Journaling: the continuation of my saga

[PArob]

Wow PL, you ARE my biggest cheerleader and your response has really given me pause to reflect and think about a lot of things.

I hope we can provide some support, don't forget to use us more often.

Yeah, I have to admit that I kind of fell out of relying upon the vast support group here for a variety of reasons, but mostly because I wanted to spend as little time thinking about everything as I had in the past. This has been one of the hardest tests I've ever had to face in life and it was consuming me. It still does to some degree, but nothing like it has in the past year. After letting loose yesterday, it felt really good and I remember the value of the support network here, so I can hazard a guess that you'll see more of me in the near future

I really get that your W is really ill right now. Really ill. She could be damaging her throat and esophagus and stomach lining permanently with the bulimia, it is one of the most serious ED's and is so addictive. Most ED's are about feeling out of control and wanting to have control over something.

There is no doubt in my mind that she is seriously ill. The physical damage is something that concerns me greatly, especially since it has become so intense over the past few months. The way she looks after the purge is just enough to nearly make me cry....her eyes are all red and blooshot, her voice is raw. Just pitiful. I don't think I would have ever understood the addictive nature of it unless I had lived with it, it is mind boggling to me.

One of the things I did discuss with her is the fact that, basically, through recovery, she will have to learn to eat again. I mean its amazing to me that such a basic instict will have to be re-learned.

I can not even begin to imagine how stressful it must be in your home, all under the surface,

It is quite stressful for everyone involved I will grant you that, and my daughters are caught in the middle. Some of the things that really upset me with regard to this is the effect and impact she is having upon their development. This is a woman who used to be such an integral part of these girls' lives...a stay at home mommy who nutured them and gave them heaps of love. Right now, mommy is very distant emotionally and pysically...and your question regarding the children actually reminded me that I wanted to talk to their school counselor about the problem so that they are aware in the event that any odd behavior begins to crop-up.

While I'm not overly confrontational about the ED, I have stepped up my discussion of it with her. I don't want to come across as controlling or overbearing at this moment because I know that she will resist all efforts to control, but she knows that I have reached my limit and I think you're right. I believe at this moment I have more leverage right now than I've had throughout this whole ordeal to finally get her to recongize the severity of the situtation.

So what are your conditions for that to happen? Write it down. Get clear about that. How the OM thing must be handled (call to him with you present, elimination of cell phone, e-mail, etc., a promise to communicate to you every day for 6 months about thoughts re: him or attempted contacts, and any contact resets the 6 month clock, etc.), how the ED must be handled (inpatient, or see T 2 x per week for 1 year, keeping a purging diary to make it real or make it stop, etc. - check with the T)

Out of anything that I've read today or yesterday, and everything that I have thought about, this, as well as OT's suggestion of setting boundaries, has really hit home with me. I guess at some level I believe I owe it to her and my girls to evaluate what it will take for me to be a part of this and be real clear about what it will take for her to have that opportunity. Part of what scares me right now is the feeling that I'm not feeling at the moment (strange as it may sound). Yes, I am fed up. Yes I am tired. I want "me" back, the guy that had drive, could look towards the future. All that has been stripped because I allowed this situation to do that. There's a lot of resentment in that and I have to find it within myself to get over it, if I can.

I believe that you are really hurt right now, and probably pretty tired. But I also believe that you maried your W and had children with her because you loved her. The OM thing is just another symptom of how self-destructive and messed up your W is right now. She is so messed up right now. What would it take for you to invest 6 more months? Or a year? Just to then reevaluate and decide again.
I believe you can do ths Rob. If your W had breast cancer, and was having a double mastectomy would you leave? When? Your W is currently mentally ill. Seriously. You will need lots of help to survive this though, and you will need clear lines so you will know when they have been crossed. You are the only one that knows where those lines are, about what you are willing and no longer willing to do or see or be subjected to. Your life matters, and your children's lives matter. But my guess is, with a little more support and a little additional compassion along with that hard earned detachment, you might be able to give it just a little more time to see if W is truly motivated now. Because it could be you and the kids are the best motivation she's got, and she may realize you are at the breaking point and she could lose everything.

PL, I have to be honest with you, I think this is the part of your post that really has struck me because up until this point, I didn't even think that this would be an option, but reading this over and over again, I realize that you are so absolutely correct. Much of what I'm feeling right now has to do with the emotions of having OM rresurface and the betrayal that goes along with it and I've been doing my best to separate that from everything else. Honestly, this might be one of the first times that I have really stepped back and tried to evaluate the situation without the emotional attachment.

So yes, I think I need to give serious thought to what it will take for me to invest another chunk of my life in this, and maybe this whole situation can be viewed as a turning point in moving things forward instead of an end. I'm really having a tough time getting my thoughts together for this reply, but just know that reading your posting has sent my mind whirling (in a good way) and has had a hugely positive effect on me. Thank you.

Thanks so much for writing. You are awesome, Rob. You have quite a few folks in your corner here. Hang in there

No, PL. You are awesome and having you, along with GH and OT in my corner has been the best thing that's happened to me. I can't thank all of you enough for your support and guidance.