Hi Rob, Wow you have had a LOT going on. I hope we can provide some support, don't forget to use us more often. I am glad that you continue in T, and even better that your W has started T also - that is a really big step. I really get that your W is really ill right now. Really ill. She could be damaging her throat and esophagus and stomach lining permanently with the bulimia, it is one of the most serious ED's and is so addictive. Most ED's are about feeling out of control and wanting to have control over something. And yet what they need most is to see your strength and firm boundaries. And do not be afraid of inpatient. It might be a really good thing for your W and for you. I can not even begin to imagine how stressful it must be in your home, all under the surface, like living with an alcoholic who tries to keep the drinking hidden. I remember distinctly taking my foster D's ED on, head on. Talking about it, looking under the bed for where she stashed the food hoping I wouldn't find it, back pack inspections every day, reports from my D about what foster D ate and didn't eat while at school (in front of her) - we were in her face. Nutritutionist, therapy, all of it, full on. However, I believe due to this, she recovered MUCH more quickly than she would have otherwise. She also knew that she coudn't stay with us if she didn't commit to getting well. Rob, you have a lot of leverage right now. Your W says she wants your family, wants to stay married. So what are your conditions for that to happen? Write it down. Get clear about that. How the OM thing must be handled (call to him with you present, elimination of cell phone, e-mail, etc., a promise to communicate to you every day for 6 months about thoughts re: him or attempted contacts, and any contact resets the 6 month clock, etc.), how the ED must be handled (inpatient, or see T 2 x per week for 1 year, keeping a purging diary to make it real or make it stop, etc. - check with the T) - what do you say, what do you do, what do the kids say when she eats like a horse and then spends 1/2 hour in the bathroom right after? Then, how the kids will be handled (what they will be told - I think honesty about this disease is important because they know anyway..., how they can help, freedom to talk about it instead of it being a secret, etc.) Anyway, see if you can get what it would take to make you give it another 6 months or another year with specific steps towards a healthier living environment. Because you do have a choice.
I believe that you are really hurt right now, and probably pretty tired. But I also believe that you maried your W and had children with her because you loved her. The OM thing is just another symptom of how self-destructive and messed up your W is right now. She is so messed up right now. What would it take for you to invest 6 more months? Or a year? Just to then reevaluate and decide again.
I believe you can do ths Rob. If your W had breast cancer, and was having a double mastectomy would you leave? When? Your W is currently mentally ill. Seriously. You will need lots of help to survive this though, and you will need clear lines so you will know when they have been crossed. You are the only one that knows where those lines are, about what you are willing and no longer willing to do or see or be subjected to. Your life matters, and your children's lives matter. But my guess is, with a little more support and a little additional compassion along with that hard earned detachment, you might be able to give it just a little more time to see if W is truly motivated now. Because it could be you and the kids are the best motivation she's got, and she may realize you are at the breaking point and she could lose everything. Don't think about 7 years of this. Think about what you need to happen RIGHT NOW to continue for a few more months. Then how long you will accept that level before you will want to re-evaluate again to see if there has been any progress and if you want to continue for a few more months. Think of this as YOUR bottom. Boundaries now Rob, for self preservation. Then look for the baby steps and reevaluate again. And see if that helps stir a little more patience. I am rooting for you, Rob. I know how you have been carrying this burden for a long time. You are doing such a great job holding your family together. Only you can decide when enough is enough. But I think you are emotional right now, because of the OM thing. Give it just a little time, to where you are not pissed, dissapointed and hurt. Because the OM is not about you. It is just a symptom of your W's messed up head.
Meanwhile, make sure you are doing things for you - just for you. What are you going to do for yourself, that will feed and water your soul? Start there, that is the most important thing right now.
Thanks so much for writing. You are awesome, Rob. You have quite a few folks in your corner here. Hang in there
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
more often. I am glad that you continue in T, and even better that your W has started T also - that is a really big step. I really get that your W is really ill right now. Really ill. She could be damaging her throat and esophagus and stomach lining permanently with the bulimia, it is one of the most serious ED's and is so addictive. Most ED's are about feeling out of control and wanting to have control over something. And yet what they need most is to see your strength and firm boundaries. And do not be afraid of inpatient. It might be a really good thing for your W and for you. I can not even begin to imagine how stressful it must be in your home, all under the surface, like living with an alcoholic who tries to keep the drinking hidden. I remember distinctly taking my foster D's ED on, head on. Talking about it, looking under the bed for where she stashed the food hoping I wouldn't find it, back pack inspections every day, reports from my D about what foster D ate and didn't eat while at school (in front of her) - we were in her face. Nutritutionist, therapy, all of it, full on. However, I believe due to this, she recovered MUCH more quickly than she would have otherwise. She also knew that she coudn't stay with us if she didn't commit to getting well. Rob, you have a lot of leverage right now. Your W says she wants your family, wants to stay married. So what are your conditions for that to happen? Write it down. Get clear about that. How the OM thing must be handled (call to him with you present, elimination of cell phone, e-mail, etc., a promise to communicate to you every day for 6 months about thoughts re: him or attempted contacts, and any contact resets the 6 month clock, etc.), how the ED must be handled (inpatient, or see T 2 x per week for 1 year, keeping a purging diary to make it real or make it stop, etc. - check with the T) - what do you say, what do you do, what do the kids say when she eats like a horse and then spends 1/2 hour in the bathroom right after? Then, how the kids will be handled (what they will be told - I think honesty about this disease is important because they know anyway..., how they can help, freedom to talk about it instead of it being a secret, etc.) Anyway, see if you can get what it would take to make you give it another 6 months or another year with specific steps towards a healthier living environment. Because you do have a choice. 
