Thank you for your words of encouragement today. Its really what I needed. Yes, the decision to do what is best for her may ultimately prove to be the downfall of my R, but I have to press forward. Ultimately she will have to come to terms with her illness and me ignoring it is not helping her reach these goals. Hopefully with the support of her family behind us, we can get somewhere. Again, my baby step goal is at least a physical at this point. Lets hope that gets us somewhere.
Thanks again, I feel a little bit better now than I did this morning.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I have been wondering how you are doing. I know you were struggling with your W's ED issues. I hope you are well, and that things are improving. Please post an update when you have a chance.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Ah, thank you PL and GH for your concern, it has been some time since I posted although I've been following along with your sitches. I can't believe that three months has passed since I last posted!
In any event, I guess there's a lot to update, but yet not so much. On the ED front, I think in my last post my goal was to get W to get a physical, which she did. As it turned out, her bloodwork came back normal and she was otherwise healthy, though underweight. So that was kind of a blow to me because I had hoped that she would at least be borderling so as to bring home reality to her. So over the summer, things were pretty much as normal....meaning she was emotionally distant with me and the girls, worked as much as possible, she withdwer further from her family and at one point in July, we were scheduled to go to our hometowm to visit her family and attend a concert in Pittsburgh, and she backed out at the last minute. I took the girls and attended the concert as planned.
During this time, my W stressed that she wanted our life back, wanted a new beginning with us, etc. Many good words with no action. So I was confused to say the least, but I attribute much of her isolation to the disorder. So anyway, I digress.
Back to her. So I begin to notice that, more and more, my W appears to be eating things while I'm at work (I would notice food gone that had been there in the morning, fast food wrappers, etc.) but still maintaining weight and not eating in front of me or the girls. I confronted her with my observations and point blank asked what was happening. She admitted to me that she binges/purges when no one is around. I admit, I had an idea she was doing this on occassion, but not to the extent that it was going on. Well now the her secret is out of the bag, she feels "comfortable" with doing it in front of me. That is, we'll actually have a meal together and she will literally eat three times more than I do, then spend a half hour in the bathroom taking care of the mess. She admitted to me that this is one of the reasons why she works so much, because she feels out of control when she's at home and when she has time off, she will actually cycle three times a day if not more.
As bleak as that all may seem, there is so shimmer of hope. She finally admitted that she needs professional help and just had her first appointment with a therapist who specializes in EDs in our area. So there is some progress on that front.
A couple of things though strike me here. My T has told me, on several occassions, that the recovery process for my W could take anywhere from 4 to 7 years, and that assumes that she is cooperative and willing to be treated. The other thing that my T ackowledged (by the way, my T is an associate of my W's T, we don't see the same therapist, but they are in the same practice) is that my W may need to be admitted, in-patient, into a program. Now, I haven't said anything about this to my W, and honestly, at first I thought that that may be a bit extreme, but after talking more with my W and observing her behavior, I think that may be more of a reality. Imagine this, my W wants her old life back, she wants her family, everything....and she wants to be "normal" again, but she can't stop the binging/purging. It has so much control over her and I'm finally coming to terms with how much control it has now. She has two more therapy appointments scheduled in the coming weeks, but I have a feeling that once her therapist gets a grasp on the severity of the behavior, she will be seeing my W more often. So, I'll try to keep those of you who are interested up to date on that front.
On the relationship front, well.....as you probably guessed, its not really going much of anywhere because our R has to take a backseat to this disorder. A couple of interesting notes, though...
Back a few months ago, I was pretty much assured that things were on the out with her and OM, and my W would repeatedly tell me that she wanted our life back, she wanted things to be good with us, a new beginning, etc. Needless to say, i was somewhat skeptical because her behavior nowhere near mirrored her words. Now granted, her behavior was going to be off anywhow what with her issues, but I just wasn't seeing it. We went on our family vacation, hoping that we could find some "spark", but it turned out to be more of the same (W distant, me tending to the girls, etc.). No closeness. So fast forward to about two weeks ago, I come across a secret cell phone that my W had been using to keep in touch with OM. Apparently he had given it to her a few months ago and they kept in touch during the day and so forth. Needless to say, I was livid because all this time, I had assumed that I was battling her illness and not both, her illness and OM. A few long discussions after that and my W assures me that she does not want a life with OM at all, that she doesn't love him, and she has known for a long time that she doesn't. She knows that she has to end things with him and tell him that there is no chance. In her words, though she did talk to him by phone, they didn't spend time together during the day. So, yeah, what to believe. On some level, I buy it, but on the other level, this just seems more of the same from her. Do I believe she wants a life with him? No, I don't. and based upon certain behaviors I've noticed over the last several months, I truly believe she wants this with us. But part of the problem is that I have become so much more detached, mostly out of necessity, that this new level of hurt may be the icing on the cake for me.
So that is where you find me today, trying to decide what to do about my future. On one level, I want a strong loving R with my W, but the betrayal, lies and deceit of the past year are a good deal more than I can handle at this point. Secondly, if I do decide to stick with it, I know that any issues arising from her EA will take a back seat to the most pressing issue....her health. I really don't know what to do and right now, I've just kept my distance from her as much as possible, while I try to figure it out.
So that's my update in a nutshell. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Have a good day!
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
So, with your sitch in "full swing", why no posting lately? Anyway, I'm sorry to hear about the OM thing. I can relate 100% because if I found out OM was still in the picture these days I think I would be as floored as I was the first time I found out about him. That's to say, not entirely surprised but shocked never-the-less.
Keep us posted and let us help if we can.
GH
P.S. I still owe you something from Disney, don't I? I will have to take care of that soon.
Thanks GH, and yeah, it was a complete kick in the n*ts, but not nearly as devastating this time because of everything that we've been through. But, on that note, what kills me is that she still had a "need" for him. Now, I wonder to what extent it was need. I think on some level, she knew that he was totally infatuated with her, but after a time, she couldn't return that level of emotion to him but, at the same time, she didn't want to hurt him. I really don't know, and I get sick to my stomach when I think about it. But I also know that this is more or less "go" time for me and the ball is in my court...and she knows this. For one of the first times, she has ackowledged that she f*cked up badly. She's begging for another chance, but at this point, I don't know if I have it in me to give her that chance. Sad when six months ago I would have killed to have her say these things.
I guess I haven't been posting as much lately because I've been more focused on other things other than my R or her. For the time being, all that is at the forefront.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
FYI, I know of NO sitch in which OP simply disappeared the first time the WAS said they were gone. They always reappear, usually multiple times, and yes, the reappearances reveal yet another web of lies. Generally, this continues until the LBS sets a firm boundary that they intend to keep...
I'm really glad to hear your W is starting to get help, that is wonderful news no matter what. BTW, how much is being a people pleaser associated with ED? I think you are right that not being a b*tch is probably a big reason she has maintained contact with OM. Also, of course, it remains a way for her to act out against both you and herself.
Just take a stand. Tell her you want her to first conference you into a call to him (with you on mute) in which she tells him it is over and to then give you the secret phone.
Of course, even if she does that, be prepared for another tiny slip or two -- probably more because your boundary wasn't truly firm than anything else.
OT, thanks for popping out of the nursery to provide your wisdom with regard to my sitch. Your advice and wisdom has always been a great source for me.
Understood with the reappearing act...I went through this several times at the begining of the year when she would tell me its over then only come to find out that it really wasn't, so I was skeptical the last time she said that it was over. I think what really blindsided me is that I sort of believed that she had moved on, based upon some actions and words, but I wasn't convinced and given what I know now, she wasn't convincing me well, because it wasn't.
Yeah, I do believe on some level that the continued contact was a large part of her not wanting to be a b*tch, but again, as usual, I agree with you that it did provide that avenue of acting out. I see all this pretty clearly now.
As for taking a stand, that will be no problem from my viewpoint, in the event that I intend to want to take that stand. Right now, I'm angry at the new web of lies, and I'm a little fed up with the whole sitch in general. So that's where I am right now as of 5pm EST today. We'll see were I am tomorrow, lol
I am also encouraged by her seeking support for her problem, but I believe, and I think she's just starting to realize, that the true hard work is ahead of her. It is extremely sad to watch her suffer through this, but I am hopeful that this T will get her on the right track.
Thanks for checking in with me OT, I truly apprecaite it. How's the bambino?
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Beautiful and brilliant and sensitive to cow's protein -- no pizza for me!
BTW, probably the biggest part of the reappearing act, after a certain point when the A really is spent, is that the WASs just have not managed to get quite honest with themselves. They haven't really quite faced the truth about the real meaning (or lack thereof) of the A. It is about avoiding themselves more than anything else, if you grock...
Quote: It is about avoiding themselves more than anything else, if you grock...
Yeah, I think I do and it makes sense to me, but what do I know, lol.
Quote: Beautiful and brilliant and sensitive to cow's protein -- no pizza for me!
Ah, the sacrifices we make for our children, lol. Glad to hear all is well.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
