Ah, thank you PL and GH for your concern, it has been some time since I posted although I've been following along with your sitches. I can't believe that three months has passed since I last posted!
In any event, I guess there's a lot to update, but yet not so much. On the ED front, I think in my last post my goal was to get W to get a physical, which she did. As it turned out, her bloodwork came back normal and she was otherwise healthy, though underweight. So that was kind of a blow to me because I had hoped that she would at least be borderling so as to bring home reality to her. So over the summer, things were pretty much as normal....meaning she was emotionally distant with me and the girls, worked as much as possible, she withdwer further from her family and at one point in July, we were scheduled to go to our hometowm to visit her family and attend a concert in Pittsburgh, and she backed out at the last minute. I took the girls and attended the concert as planned.
During this time, my W stressed that she wanted our life back, wanted a new beginning with us, etc. Many good words with no action. So I was confused to say the least, but I attribute much of her isolation to the disorder. So anyway, I digress.
Back to her. So I begin to notice that, more and more, my W appears to be eating things while I'm at work (I would notice food gone that had been there in the morning, fast food wrappers, etc.) but still maintaining weight and not eating in front of me or the girls. I confronted her with my observations and point blank asked what was happening. She admitted to me that she binges/purges when no one is around. I admit, I had an idea she was doing this on occassion, but not to the extent that it was going on. Well now the her secret is out of the bag, she feels "comfortable" with doing it in front of me. That is, we'll actually have a meal together and she will literally eat three times more than I do, then spend a half hour in the bathroom taking care of the mess. She admitted to me that this is one of the reasons why she works so much, because she feels out of control when she's at home and when she has time off, she will actually cycle three times a day if not more.
As bleak as that all may seem, there is so shimmer of hope. She finally admitted that she needs professional help and just had her first appointment with a therapist who specializes in EDs in our area. So there is some progress on that front.
A couple of things though strike me here. My T has told me, on several occassions, that the recovery process for my W could take anywhere from 4 to 7 years, and that assumes that she is cooperative and willing to be treated. The other thing that my T ackowledged (by the way, my T is an associate of my W's T, we don't see the same therapist, but they are in the same practice) is that my W may need to be admitted, in-patient, into a program. Now, I haven't said anything about this to my W, and honestly, at first I thought that that may be a bit extreme, but after talking more with my W and observing her behavior, I think that may be more of a reality. Imagine this, my W wants her old life back, she wants her family, everything....and she wants to be "normal" again, but she can't stop the binging/purging. It has so much control over her and I'm finally coming to terms with how much control it has now. She has two more therapy appointments scheduled in the coming weeks, but I have a feeling that once her therapist gets a grasp on the severity of the behavior, she will be seeing my W more often. So, I'll try to keep those of you who are interested up to date on that front.
On the relationship front, well.....as you probably guessed, its not really going much of anywhere because our R has to take a backseat to this disorder. A couple of interesting notes, though...
Back a few months ago, I was pretty much assured that things were on the out with her and OM, and my W would repeatedly tell me that she wanted our life back, she wanted things to be good with us, a new beginning, etc. Needless to say, i was somewhat skeptical because her behavior nowhere near mirrored her words. Now granted, her behavior was going to be off anywhow what with her issues, but I just wasn't seeing it. We went on our family vacation, hoping that we could find some "spark", but it turned out to be more of the same (W distant, me tending to the girls, etc.). No closeness. So fast forward to about two weeks ago, I come across a secret cell phone that my W had been using to keep in touch with OM. Apparently he had given it to her a few months ago and they kept in touch during the day and so forth. Needless to say, I was livid because all this time, I had assumed that I was battling her illness and not both, her illness and OM. A few long discussions after that and my W assures me that she does not want a life with OM at all, that she doesn't love him, and she has known for a long time that she doesn't. She knows that she has to end things with him and tell him that there is no chance. In her words, though she did talk to him by phone, they didn't spend time together during the day. So, yeah, what to believe. On some level, I buy it, but on the other level, this just seems more of the same from her. Do I believe she wants a life with him? No, I don't. and based upon certain behaviors I've noticed over the last several months, I truly believe she wants this with us. But part of the problem is that I have become so much more detached, mostly out of necessity, that this new level of hurt may be the icing on the cake for me.
So that is where you find me today, trying to decide what to do about my future. On one level, I want a strong loving R with my W, but the betrayal, lies and deceit of the past year are a good deal more than I can handle at this point. Secondly, if I do decide to stick with it, I know that any issues arising from her EA will take a back seat to the most pressing issue....her health. I really don't know what to do and right now, I've just kept my distance from her as much as possible, while I try to figure it out.
So that's my update in a nutshell. Any thoughts or advice would be welcome. Have a good day!
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
