Maybe you should ask on the something fishy board to see what other people's experiences with interventions has been? Is there any way to involve an ED specialist in the process?
And usually the point of an intervention with an alcoholic is to get them into a rehab program - do you have an ED program lined up that she could enter? Do you have insurance coverage or funds for an inpatient program? Just asking her to stop on her own is pretty useless.
Thanks for checking in. I've been reading some of the sites regarding intervention, and I'm hoping that my counselor (who specializes in ED's) will be able to offer guidance. I know of a few treatment centers in our area (Hershey being one of them), and I'm pretty sure that my benefits will cover any type of program, although know you have me wondering. Gotta check into that.
Quote: Just asking her to stop on her own is pretty useless.
Yeah, understood. However, I do know that she is concerned for herself as she starts to notice some of the side effects of her behavior, yet she resists, and I mean resists, any sort of idea of counseling. This is where the focus lies I suppose, because she ultimately has to be the one to choose to save herself. Medically, at this point, she is still "stable" and I, nor anyone else, can force the issue.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
So, I had my first C session last night. I can't say whether it was a good experience or a bad experience, but at the very least, I got a lot of stuff out into the open. My C asked what my goals in coming to her were and I answered A) to help my wife be healthy and B) to save my marriage. I wonder if the two are mutually exclusive at this point.....
So a whole lot was discussed from my end, just basic background, some conversations we had, etc...but I don't feel as though much really came out of it. One positive thing that did come out of it was a suggestion by my C on how, at the very least, I may be able to get my W to see a dr. for a physical. Based on my description, the C was very concerned about my W's physical health and believes that she is bordeline critical at this point and its very important to at least have her physical health examined. So, she suggested that instead of having her family come to confront her, I use that as leverage to have my W see a docter. Something to the effect of telling my W that her whole family is planning to come down and do an intervention, but that I may be able to hold them off if she gets a physical sort of thing.
We got into some relathionship issues, but nothing too deep at this point. I guess I basically must just keep moving on as though things are fine and accept the emotional distance and everything that goes with it. Sometimes its so hard to separate the relationship issues from the other issues.
But today is a bright sunny day. I feel pretty good and I'm looking forward to a run outside at lunch time. This weekend we have to go to my nephew's graduation party in MD, so that should also be fun. Other than that, not much else planned for the weekend.
Hope everyone is doing well today.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I thinkt hat's a very good idea that your C came up with. If yuor W is that ill...yes, telling her what her family's "plans" are, it may very well prompt her into getting that physical.
I lived in PA most of my life, and at one point I had an uncle who was an alcoholic and as an intervention, I found out that it WAS possible to have him put in the hospital against his wishes...and did so in order for him to get the help he needed. You may want to check (in case it ever gets to that point) if that's still something that one can do in PA...I don't live there anymore, so I'm not sure what laws have changed.
Quote: I thinkt hat's a very good idea that your C came up with. If yuor W is that ill...yes, telling her what her family's "plans" are, it may very well prompt her into getting that physical.
I really hope so...that in itself would be helpful, just to see what exactly it is she IS doing to herself.
Quote: You may want to check (in case it ever gets to that point) if that's still something that one can do in PA...I don't live there anymore, so I'm not sure what laws have changed
I really, really hope it doesn't get to this point, but I guess as a contingency I might have to. At some point, I think I need to recongizne that I may have to jeopardize my R for the well-being of my W. At this point, I don't think I'm there. As with everything else, its babysteps at this point. If I can get her to at least get a physical, that would be a major accomplishment. Plus, I think just knowing that her family IS that concerned may be a help as well.
Thanks, I did have a good run today! It was gorgeous outside.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Rob, I am so proud of you for following through on the C thing. I think you may be having trouble understanding it's value, or deciding IF it has value right now because you have some VERY weighty issues you want to address, and likely they need to be addressed on their own. Your W's ED is probably at the forefront but your marital problems are a backdrop to that and need to be addressed too. I say keep going (as I think you are) and give this process time. Keep a clear idea of your goals and work with C to reach them.
For me, just the ability to talk to someone who listened without judgment and without feeling like they will gossip to someone. There is really nobody else in my life, er, my REAL life that fits that bill.
Rob, I think this is a VERY important step for you and I know how hard it was. Keep it going!
Thanks GH...it means a lot to hear those sentiments from you. Yeah, the C thing did take some time and looking back at my session, it really DID feel good to talk about a lot of these issues with someone who was non-judgmental. I do intend to continue the sessions if only for that reason. Of course the ultimate goal is to get my W healthy...the R issues, while many times it KILLS me to put them on the backburner, must go there in the meantime. This has defintely been one of the longest, hardest journeys I've ever been on in my life.
Thanks again for you input GH, as usual it means a lot. Hope you have a good weekend.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Good morning to all, I hope the weekend was very good for everyone...
On my front, I feel really lost and helpless today. Yes, I know this sounds too much like a Rob pity-party today, but some days, like today, I feel like I need to vent. The fact is, I honestly and truly do not know what to do. I sat down with my W yesterday and laid a bunch of stuff on the line for her. Her whole family basically knows about her problem and they are just as clueless as me. Over the weekend, we went to visit her three older sisters in DE and attended my nephew's graduation party. Her sister called me last night nearly in tears. Her father and other siblings have talked to me and wondered what they can do, what I can do.....
So I laid it all out for her yesterday...I told her that her whole family can see and know that something is wrong and they are extremely concerned. I asked her to at least get a physical so that she can assess whether she still healthy (which I'm guessing, she's not), but she refuses to take any steps to help herself. I'm really at my wit's end. Everyone in her family, our friends, me....know she needs the help, even she knows that something is wrong with her, but she refuses to do anything!
So here I am, no further along than I was several months ago. DBing has brought me to a place where at the very least I'm not outwardly losing my mind, but I don't think ultimately its going to help me obtain my goal. There is very little motivation for her to save anything, even herself....how do you fight that??
Honestly, I probably shouldn't be bringing this sort of problem to this board and I'll likely post this same sort of thing on another support board, but I do value the opinions of so many here. Its been a hard journey so far and without the help and encouragement of many of you, I doubt I would have made it this far.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I know how you feel. You know that my W's possible drinking problem has been discussed here a bit. I know how hard it would be to confront her in a real, family involved way, and how I would feel like it was somewhat counter to my efforts to release control over her and save my marriage.
I think you figured out last week that you almost have no choice if you think her health is in jeopardy. You think it is, and you took action. I think what you did was the most loving thing you could do and though it may very well have repercussions in your marriage, you put love and commitment to your W's health ahead of your personal and marital goals, something that was very hard to do. I know you agonized over that decision. I think you made the right one, all things considered and now, as you well know, you have to deal with the consequences of it, keeping close to your heart the thought that you did right by your W, no matter WHAT she thinks.
I hope this works out. I hope your W gets the help you think she needs and at the very least, it seems like you have the support of her family on this, so use that to your advantage. Lean on them if you have to.
In the end, we all made tough choices to get to where we are today. Sometimes they work out well, other times they do not. What we learn through all this is that we HAVE to make choices and live with their consequences.
I'm proud of you for doing that. May you have peace today.
