I’m really getting bad at updating my sitch all the time. I have to keep going to the second or third page to find my thread these days. I have been following everyone else’s sitch pretty closely and chime in when I can.
Well, I had a pretty good holiday weekend, all considering. Friday was pretty uneventful, but Saturday was so gorgeous outside. My W keeps showing signs of trying and how I wish I could keep focusing on that!!!!! Sometimes its so hard because I see her doing certain things to try and be like her normal self, but then at other times she is so far removed from that person I used to know. It can be so confusing and I know most of it is my own inability to fully detach (something to keep working on) and focus on the positive…..more on this later.
On Saturday, we spent most of the day outside, doing little things around the house. My W has taken on tanning as a new goal and spent most of the day on the deck doing just that. Most of the neighborhood kids were away, some my three D’s had no one to occupy their time. We had plans to take them to a safari park on Sunday, but hadn’t planned anything with them for Saturday. W and I considered changing our plans to take them camping, but as it turned out, it was just too late in the weekend to consider. So I suggested to D10 that we pitch the tent in the backyard and camp out there. Needless to say, me and my D’s had a blast! Unfortunately, my W is a little buggy about sleeping out, so she didn’t join us, but nevertheless it was a great time for me and the girls. On a positive note, we finally got to spend some time with some friends on Saturday night. We really haven’t done this much lately for a variety of reasons….first off, I’ve been really bogged down by all these issues (yeah, I know, here comes a smack) and my W has really been so withdrawn from everyone that we just haven’t made time for socializing. But I invited them up for drinks and we had a pleasant time. The only real negative was that my W disappeared very early on, but I later came to find out that she had fallen asleep. The other thing that struck me was my W’s unwillingness to really have a few social drinks. Now by no means were we alcoholics, but we used to love socializing and drinking with our neighbors ever since moving into the neighborhood and one of our traditions has been a few jello-shots to go around. My W turned down the invitation to have one and our friend jokingly asked whether she didn’t want one because it wasn’t sugar free. My W responded “yeah, something like that…..” *sigh*
I woke up on Sunday a little moody. So I played the little passive/aggressive game before directly telling her some of my concerns. This really is a no-win situation for me, so I got out of the discussion as quickly as possible and tried to re-focus on having a good day. Fortunately, this is exactly how it turned out. As a family, we had a fantastic time and spent the day at a local safari park. I truly felt that things were looking very good! My W was very close and on several occasions, held my hand. I really felt good about a lot of the way she was acting. Very close. We finished off the day with another round of socializing with the neighbors.
Monday was a lazy day. Both W and I basically vegged on the deck and took in the sun while the girls were in the pool. My W and I had some really good conversation regarding the things we wanted to do this summer and she actually brought up her eating issue without prodding from me and recognized that she has to do “something”. I guess it’s the recognition that counts. Something else we talked about was her job and how she really doesn’t like it (it really is a dead-end job for her). One of the things she mentioned was that a good deal of the people she works with do not like her for a variety of reasons….one of them being the fact that she always looks very good going to work in a factory job and that they believe because of my career, she really doesn’t have to work (although she does, unfortunately at this point). In short, a lot of people are jealous of her. This is key as you will come to understand below…..
So all in all it was a good weekend….now fast forward to yesterday. I really have been trying to move forward with everything, the A (or whatever it is these days), the disorder and trying to focus on the positive attributes of my sitch. Sure things aren’t peachy and rosy, but they are moving along better than they were several months ago. My W gets home from work about 7:45 and I usually have the girls up and dressed ready for school. About 7:30 the phone rings and the person on the other end proceeds to tell me that they work with my W and that she is having an affair with someone at work. Basically saying some things that I know to be B.S., but other things that I already knew, and other things that just sounded way out. PMA be damned! I was a mess. For one thing, I couldn’t understand why this person would chose now to do this when this had been going on since last October, unless it was still going on. Sure they may have been bullsh&*ting me, but why now??? This made me believe that nothing had changed at all with her and OM and that it was all still going on. Horrible mess. I confronted my W with it and I just went downhill from there. She basically summed it up by saying that this person obviously was trying to be a b*tch and that I was crazy for even letting it bother me. But still. All in all, when my W did talk about some of the specifics this person was saying, I started to recognize that what this person was saying was based mostly on speculation, rumor and just pure meanness. Sure, I know that my W does see the OM at work and I know that they do talk to each other, but outside of that, I really see no signs of a continuing A like I did before.
The long and short of it though, is that I let it affect me all day yesterday and led to just a bad day for DBing on my part. I confronted, I harassed, everything I shouldn’t do. Today started off no better until I finally recognized that I was being a total jerk about the whole sitch. Should I be upset? Yes, but confronting and nagging my W achieved nothing at all! All I did was basically act like a whiny victim and it really sucks. I basically was just so upset because my W just DOES NOT communicate with me. When it comes to describing her feelings, it just doesn’t happen. She tells me that she loves me, she wants our family, this life. She doesn’t say anything about her feelings for OM other than they are feelings (WTH?). On one hand, the irrational side, it really bugs me that she can’t process these things and at least be upfront about things. But on the other hand, I really believe she is very, very confused and I shouldn’t be hassling her.
Finally, I did apologize to my W this morning and told her that I am upset with myself for allowing this other person to get to me so bad. Basically, I let that person win and it stinks. So, at least for the moment, there is détente in my house, but I have some real work to do with regard to getting back on the DB wagon.
I guess on a brighter note, I am beginning to realize that I need to establish my identity separately from my W and that I need to seriously GAL. With this in mind, I have come up with a few short-term goals to help this process along:
Starting next week, I’m returning to the gym and running. I used to run 4 or 5 miles a day up until about a year and half ago. I need to start again.
This goal will require another goal……quitting smoking. Again! No ifs, ands or butts. (pun intended)
Lose ten more pounds. I beginning to like the way I look and others are noticing. Great for the PMA.
Get a tan BEFORE the beach vacation in August.
Develop a reading list that isn’t solely occupied by self-help books
Go camping either with W with us, or without.
Stop talking about my R!!!!!! I’ve given up snooping, now I need to stop obsessing about my R.
Remember, to compliment others as opposed to criticize.
So, that’s a start for me. I’m also in the process of developing some long-term goals. I was thinking about a few things the other day and I’m really excited about committing to some of them.
Well, that’s about a long as an update that I can muster for now. I’ll probably be posting more stuff later as it comes to me. Thanks to all for reading and sharing!!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
