Although I know this must be a very difficult time for you, I am really pleased to hear how you are gathering information and seeking solutions for your W's ED. I think your W is really lucky to have you on her side, and I am confident that you are on the right track. I also wanted to mention that when my foster D had an ED when she was 15, they put her on Prozac for 6 months. I normally am opposed to all drup interventions and am very mistrusting of most medical approaches, but this was recommended in conjunction with the counseling/therapy, nutritional counseling, etc. and the combination of all the interventions did turn her around.
It is extremely fortunate that your W is opening up to you. This is a VERY good sign, and indicates to me that you are doing something very right. Keep it up. And meanwhile, make sure to take care of yourself in extra ways to keep yourself healthy and centered (and also to provide healthy role modeling). Keep up your positive attitude - you are a source of inspiration I think it is possible that dealing with the ED and still loving her will be a catalyst for renewed trust and intimacy.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thank you SO much for your words of kindness. Somedays I feel as though I am going to go insane and just beg to have a "normal" life again. This whole ordeal has been such a difficult journey already, but it really only has just begun in some ways.
On Friday night, my W and I had another interesting conversation regarding her "illness." Basically, she knows that I have been educating myself quite a bit on the topic and she actually asked me some very poignant questions about the consequences of what she is doing. I think she is also, for the first time, noticing some of the side effects that she hadn't seen before.
So yes, I really am happy that she is opening up to me and can trust me enough to talk frankly (well, at least as frank as she can) about the situation.
Again, thank you for providing a source of PMA for me today....it really, truly is appreciated!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
This has not really been my best DBing week in a long time. Apparently, patience for me has been wearing thin and I think some things just more or less set me off over the weekend. Nothing quite overt, just recognizing that wanting a "normal" life shouldn't be so damn difficult. How is it that two people can profess love for each other and still find that everything is mucked up? So confusing. So yes, I find myself adding pressure to the situation and immediately recognizing that I shouldn't be adding pressure. I guess even a good dog has its bad days, but I just feel that there has been absolutely NO movement in my sitch.
I guess what has me really boggled this week is the fact that I feel that I have been doing absolutely everything that is within my power to A) identify and correct issues that I have had within the context of this M B) be supportive and understanding of my W's "issues" and C) be patient. In turn, my W is still romantically listless. To be fair, I do believe that a good portion of this stems from the underlying issues that are not being addressed by herself. I just know that I want more out of this relationship than what I currently have and not getting it is becoming even more frustrating. At times, I just believe that any movement, whether its in the right or wrong direction, would be welcome. At other times, I just honestly want her to do whatever it takes for her to get "better" and make her happy. The problem is...I don't think anything at this point will make her happy.
So I rant. I recognize that my W has some very serious underlying issues that require extra special TLC in my case but it all just seems so hopeless when she refuses to ackowledge that she needs help (no, I don't push the issue of seeking help, but I have mentioned it as a concern of mine).
In any event, I have my first C session scheduled for June 8; only wish it could be sooner. I'm guessing that these sessions should be real field days (if only I could have W join me.....). I guess to be honest, I feel a bit ashamed that I would need the insight of a professional, but alternatively I think its the only way that I am going to ever gain any type of insight on everything that is going on.
So today, I need to find my center. Re-focus and try to establish a PMA for the rest of the week.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hi Rob, It seems like every where I look on the board this week, my friends here are being challenged. Me too! It must be in the stars or something Anyway, most all of us get discouraged here and there - we are doing hard work, and often in the face of "no agreement". Hang in there. The positive steps you have taken are just settling in before new steps forward can then be allowed. Do something good for yourself this weekend - rest play relax - be with people who will build you up. I will also try to take my own advice, as I have been discouraged too. A lovely walk on the beach with my doggie when I get home is on my first list of to-do's.
I just wanted you to know I was thninking of you, and you are doing great great work that will get you where you want to be. Be patient. Life is unfolding as it should. Trust the process
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thanks every so much for you positive post! I'm actually doing much better today than I had been for most of the week. I've centered and feel pretty positive about a lot of things in general. I've actually been sitting and thinking about some GAL goals for myself and I'm really kind of excited about them.
I really believe that many of the positive steps that I have implemented have gone a LONG way....but I'm still faced with those other circumstances. Keeping the faith as always!
Take care of yourself this weekend too and talk a walk on that beach for me too! (I love the Pacific......)
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I’m really getting bad at updating my sitch all the time. I have to keep going to the second or third page to find my thread these days. I have been following everyone else’s sitch pretty closely and chime in when I can.
Well, I had a pretty good holiday weekend, all considering. Friday was pretty uneventful, but Saturday was so gorgeous outside. My W keeps showing signs of trying and how I wish I could keep focusing on that!!!!! Sometimes its so hard because I see her doing certain things to try and be like her normal self, but then at other times she is so far removed from that person I used to know. It can be so confusing and I know most of it is my own inability to fully detach (something to keep working on) and focus on the positive…..more on this later.
On Saturday, we spent most of the day outside, doing little things around the house. My W has taken on tanning as a new goal and spent most of the day on the deck doing just that. Most of the neighborhood kids were away, some my three D’s had no one to occupy their time. We had plans to take them to a safari park on Sunday, but hadn’t planned anything with them for Saturday. W and I considered changing our plans to take them camping, but as it turned out, it was just too late in the weekend to consider. So I suggested to D10 that we pitch the tent in the backyard and camp out there. Needless to say, me and my D’s had a blast! Unfortunately, my W is a little buggy about sleeping out, so she didn’t join us, but nevertheless it was a great time for me and the girls. On a positive note, we finally got to spend some time with some friends on Saturday night. We really haven’t done this much lately for a variety of reasons….first off, I’ve been really bogged down by all these issues (yeah, I know, here comes a smack) and my W has really been so withdrawn from everyone that we just haven’t made time for socializing. But I invited them up for drinks and we had a pleasant time. The only real negative was that my W disappeared very early on, but I later came to find out that she had fallen asleep. The other thing that struck me was my W’s unwillingness to really have a few social drinks. Now by no means were we alcoholics, but we used to love socializing and drinking with our neighbors ever since moving into the neighborhood and one of our traditions has been a few jello-shots to go around. My W turned down the invitation to have one and our friend jokingly asked whether she didn’t want one because it wasn’t sugar free. My W responded “yeah, something like that…..” *sigh*
I woke up on Sunday a little moody. So I played the little passive/aggressive game before directly telling her some of my concerns. This really is a no-win situation for me, so I got out of the discussion as quickly as possible and tried to re-focus on having a good day. Fortunately, this is exactly how it turned out. As a family, we had a fantastic time and spent the day at a local safari park. I truly felt that things were looking very good! My W was very close and on several occasions, held my hand. I really felt good about a lot of the way she was acting. Very close. We finished off the day with another round of socializing with the neighbors.
Monday was a lazy day. Both W and I basically vegged on the deck and took in the sun while the girls were in the pool. My W and I had some really good conversation regarding the things we wanted to do this summer and she actually brought up her eating issue without prodding from me and recognized that she has to do “something”. I guess it’s the recognition that counts. Something else we talked about was her job and how she really doesn’t like it (it really is a dead-end job for her). One of the things she mentioned was that a good deal of the people she works with do not like her for a variety of reasons….one of them being the fact that she always looks very good going to work in a factory job and that they believe because of my career, she really doesn’t have to work (although she does, unfortunately at this point). In short, a lot of people are jealous of her. This is key as you will come to understand below…..
So all in all it was a good weekend….now fast forward to yesterday. I really have been trying to move forward with everything, the A (or whatever it is these days), the disorder and trying to focus on the positive attributes of my sitch. Sure things aren’t peachy and rosy, but they are moving along better than they were several months ago. My W gets home from work about 7:45 and I usually have the girls up and dressed ready for school. About 7:30 the phone rings and the person on the other end proceeds to tell me that they work with my W and that she is having an affair with someone at work. Basically saying some things that I know to be B.S., but other things that I already knew, and other things that just sounded way out. PMA be damned! I was a mess. For one thing, I couldn’t understand why this person would chose now to do this when this had been going on since last October, unless it was still going on. Sure they may have been bullsh&*ting me, but why now??? This made me believe that nothing had changed at all with her and OM and that it was all still going on. Horrible mess. I confronted my W with it and I just went downhill from there. She basically summed it up by saying that this person obviously was trying to be a b*tch and that I was crazy for even letting it bother me. But still. All in all, when my W did talk about some of the specifics this person was saying, I started to recognize that what this person was saying was based mostly on speculation, rumor and just pure meanness. Sure, I know that my W does see the OM at work and I know that they do talk to each other, but outside of that, I really see no signs of a continuing A like I did before.
The long and short of it though, is that I let it affect me all day yesterday and led to just a bad day for DBing on my part. I confronted, I harassed, everything I shouldn’t do. Today started off no better until I finally recognized that I was being a total jerk about the whole sitch. Should I be upset? Yes, but confronting and nagging my W achieved nothing at all! All I did was basically act like a whiny victim and it really sucks. I basically was just so upset because my W just DOES NOT communicate with me. When it comes to describing her feelings, it just doesn’t happen. She tells me that she loves me, she wants our family, this life. She doesn’t say anything about her feelings for OM other than they are feelings (WTH?). On one hand, the irrational side, it really bugs me that she can’t process these things and at least be upfront about things. But on the other hand, I really believe she is very, very confused and I shouldn’t be hassling her.
Finally, I did apologize to my W this morning and told her that I am upset with myself for allowing this other person to get to me so bad. Basically, I let that person win and it stinks. So, at least for the moment, there is détente in my house, but I have some real work to do with regard to getting back on the DB wagon.
I guess on a brighter note, I am beginning to realize that I need to establish my identity separately from my W and that I need to seriously GAL. With this in mind, I have come up with a few short-term goals to help this process along:
Starting next week, I’m returning to the gym and running. I used to run 4 or 5 miles a day up until about a year and half ago. I need to start again.
This goal will require another goal……quitting smoking. Again! No ifs, ands or butts. (pun intended)
Lose ten more pounds. I beginning to like the way I look and others are noticing. Great for the PMA.
Get a tan BEFORE the beach vacation in August.
Develop a reading list that isn’t solely occupied by self-help books
Go camping either with W with us, or without.
Stop talking about my R!!!!!! I’ve given up snooping, now I need to stop obsessing about my R.
Remember, to compliment others as opposed to criticize.
So, that’s a start for me. I’m also in the process of developing some long-term goals. I was thinking about a few things the other day and I’m really excited about committing to some of them.
Well, that’s about a long as an update that I can muster for now. I’ll probably be posting more stuff later as it comes to me. Thanks to all for reading and sharing!!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Hi Rob, Good to read your long post and to see you integrating what changes and growth and goals are needed for YOU. I see progress here, in many ways.
Good that you caught yourself, re: passive-aggressive doesn't work.
Good that you realize that it is human to be upset when a gossippy vindictive meddler tries to interfere in your life, but even better to realize it is a choice how you react to that person, and you do not need to let her run your life or day.
Good that you are sensitive and compassionate regarding your wife's health, needs, etc.
Good that you have set some wonderful goals for yourself, and for time with your family. Especially your health goals - "CA chick" here wants to see everyone quit smoking and exercise - so you have big support from me on that, and you will feel so much better too, just from doing that! As well as role model health for your kids. And be around for them longer.
A mountain of goods piling up there - good for you!
I know it is hard sometimes to keep the PMA going, especially when the progress seems so slow on the R front... I think the GAL activities will help you so much with the patience factor. Rob, you are a great husband and a great father. I see so much progress here in your sitch. Keep it going
- your PMA cheerleader
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Thanks on a personal note for your help earlier today.
As for your sitch, I think it is REALLY scary how similar our lives are, down the the fact that you went to a safari park on Sunday and I went to Animal Kingdom at Disney. Wow.
I think you know we are in similar places in our sitches and have similar frustrations. That said, have you looked into that book I am reading, Passionate Marriage? It may help you understand more about how to be your own person within the "confines" of your marriage. I know you are looking to expand your reading beyond self-help but maybe give this one a go before you do that.
As for your slip up...did I mention that our lives mirror each other? You know I slipped up around the same time. The main thing is that you recongized your error and moved on from it. It wasn't too long ago that you would not have been able to do that.
Just keep in mind that this will take even more time than you think, or want. BTW, hows the therapist hunt going?
Quote: As for your sitch, I think it is REALLY scary how similar our lives are, down the the fact that you went to a safari park on Sunday and I went to Animal Kingdom at Disney. Wow.
LOL GH, you know, I think that's why I DON'T post so much anymore....I just let everyone know what's going on vicariously through your sitch
As for the help, again, no thanks needed. Really. I hope everything goes well. Keep me updated.
I've been following your take on PM and I think it may be a good idea for me to at least give it a shot. I see that my local library doesn't have a copy, so I might it Barnes & Noble this weekend to find myself one. From what I've gathered from your posts, it really can help with defining that role.
I have found a therapist in my area that specializes in marriage counseling as well as eating disorders and I have my first appointment next Thursday. This is huge for me as I'm gonna need some serious guidance and there are only two in my area that specialize in both these areas. So hopefully this one will at least adhere to the DB principles. We shall see.
Quote: As for your slip up...did I mention that our lives mirror each other? You know I slipped up around the same time. The main thing is that you recongized your error and moved on from it. It wasn't too long ago that you would not have been able to do that.
Yeah, I kinda recognized that as well, but what really had me bothered is that I could see myself slipping into it and couldn't stop myself....plus it lasted like a day and a half...live and learn I suppose.
PL,
Thank you for being my PMA cheerleader. You have no idea how much of a positive influence your posts have upon me. Thank you a thousand times over.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I can hardly believe its Wednesday already! A pretty interesting week so far. Over the weekend, my W and I finally made it back to our hometown to visit and attend my cousin's wedding. This is the first time that my W has seen her mother, father and 4/5ths of her family since the new year, so its was interesting to see where things stood there. (more on this later)
The weekend was pretty uneventful, on Saturday we attended the wedding recpetion and it was nice for me to see some of my family that I haven't seen for a long time. W and I stayed a few hours and then went back to her parents' place early because we were taking the girls to an amusement park on Sunday. Sunday was a good day all in all. It was sorta rainy and cool, so the were no lines! We got to ride everything we wanted to mulitple times. The girls had such a good time and I made sure that I jumped in and laughed right along with them. I swear, somedays they are just the rock that I need to stablilize.
No R talk, which is just fine with me because I'm really just not in the mood to think about a lot of things. Looking objectively at my sitch, my W does seem to be doing so much better, but I approach everything with my guard up anymore. I wish I could drop that guard, but I guess that's something that comes with time. On a brighter note, I've noticed that my W has dropped a few ILY's here and there out of the blue. So nice to hear!
I made it back to the gym yesterday! I ran three miles (my pace has slowed some, but still managed to average high 8's) and felt incredible!!! I hurt a little bit today, but still managed 2.5 miles and some light weight training. I am convinced that it has provided me with a much needed stress reliever and I intend to keep it up!
On another note, my brother-in-law called me yesterday afternoon for a private talk. *sigh* Seems that he is pretty much aware of EVERYTHING that has happened between W and I in the past few years, but his main concern, as well as the family's, is my W's condition. Apparently they were completely taken aback by her appearance and her eating behaviors. Needless to say, they are worried sick about her. Basically, he asked whether I felt if it would be appropriate if they came down as a family and sort of pulled an intervention with my W. Now, I hesitate slightly about this, only because I fear, knowing her family, that it will turn into a battle of words and judgment, both of which are completely the wrong ways to attack any problem. I told him that I thought it would be a good idea, only if everyone could remember that love, patience and understanding were the goals and that they couldn't force anything. This is especially hard for some of her family members and I was informed that her other brother was thinking about writing some nasty letter or something. I really hope he reconsiders. But I do believe it is important that my W knows that her family A) knows whats going on and B) that they are concerned.
On a happier note, my W and I were talking last week about some places we have never been and would like to go. She's never been to NYC (although I have a few times when I was in the service, but I don't think we were taking in the historic sites at the time ). With this in mind, I got us a few tickets to go see Conan O'Brien taped live in NYC in July and plan to make a nice weekend out of it. I told my W about it today, and she seemed really surprised and excited. So I look forward to that!
I have my first counseling session tomorrow and I really, really hope that I like this person. I need to come up with some questions to guage whether or not this is the counselor for my sitch, so I guess I'll be doing some of that prior to my session. I'm a little bit scared, but hopeful that she can guide me to the right course of action for me and my W. Hopefully she can give me some insight on my W's other issues........
Well, that's about it for now. My sitch continues and I stive to attain my GAL goals. Hope everyone is having a good day.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I think it is possible that dealing with the ED and still loving her will be a catalyst for renewed trust and intimacy. 
Anyway, most all of us get discouraged here and there - we are doing hard work, and often in the face of "no agreement". Hang in there. The positive steps you have taken are just settling in before new steps forward can then be allowed. Do something good for yourself this weekend - rest play relax - be with people who will build you up. I will also try to take my own advice, as I have been discouraged too. A lovely walk on the beach with my doggie when I get home is on my first list of to-do's. 
). With this in mind, I got us a few tickets to go see Conan O'Brien taped live in NYC in July and plan to make a nice weekend out of it. I told my W about it today, and she seemed really surprised and excited. So I look forward to that!