Actually the Goodbye My Lover one flipping KILLS me....on an up note, he introduced it at the concert as one of the most miserable songs in the world, lol.
...and believe it or not, its not all that laid back....a good portion of his songs are upbeat and catchy and he's actually a pretty good bloke to boot. :-)
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Yea, that song kinda gets to me but I look at it this way. It COULD either be about my W saying goodbye to HIM which makes it bittersweet, or thinking she's going to have to say goodbye to me, which of course she doesn't want to do and thus it's a sad song for her. I have no idea which one it is or maybe something else all together. I just know she likes it.
LOL sorry Mama, it was a continuation of a conversation started on someone else's post......
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
I really don't have much to update in my sitch and I won't bore everyone with the details thereof, but I wanted to pass along a bit of reading that I had come across to those of you who unfortunately find the need to come to this site in the first place.
I can't take credit for this, but someone in another thread turned me on to "Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Families in Crisis" by James Dobson. Whoever passed it along said that they didn't believe that it was completely complimentary to DB/DR principles, but I must disagree.
Aside from the spirituality overtones (and depending upon your beliefs, this may be positive or a negative), this book does provide some very good insight for what to do in these situations and does advocate giving the WAS the space that they need to "find" themselves while maintaining boundaries for ourselves. I found it to be a very interesting read and it exapnded upon some ideas that I thought were dealt with rather vaguely in Michelle's book. IMHO it is definitely worth picking up.
Happy Monday to all!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Geez, I had to go the the THIRD page to find my thread! What gives? Either that means that nothing exciting is happening in my life, or there are so many new people on this site....
Well, I finally broke down and finally called for a referral to seek IC. This was a huge step for me, but completely necessary as things just seem to keep swirling out of control. I just have no idea what the heck I'm doing, or what I'm supposed to be doing, etc. In any event, try finding a counselor who not only specializes in relationship counseling, but also in eating disorders as well.
As some of you may already know of my sitch, I guess I'm in a sort of unique situation in that not only I am dealing with my wife having an EA (although its not blatantly an A anymore, but those feelings and emotions are still there and they still see each other at work), but my W is undoubtedly suffering from an ED at this point. Something I had suspected, but more or less confirmed in several discussions we had in the past week. While DBing efforts undoubtely work very well in attemptint to rekindle a relationship, I'm having a hard time reconciling my DBing efforts with my W's underlying issues. So, this is definitely a journey.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Did you get a chance to read either of those books I suggested?
Also - google "something fishy" - a website for EDs, they have a message board with a special section for spouses.
I think I forgot to mention, my D did well with high-dose Prozac. It's the standard treatment for OCD, and while it's not proven to work during the acute phase of anorexia, studies do show it reduces relapse, and in my D's case, reducing her OCD component was crucial to her recovery.
Yes, thank you so very much for your insight. I just finished reading The Secret Language of Eating Disorders and I have been checking out the Something Fishy website. Both very informative. I'm still researching, but in the short time that I have, I have learned so much about what she may be feeling and the "why" she may be doing it. I also found the support board there for spouses.
The misconception I had all along is that this was something she "chose" to do to cope with her negative emotions. In fact, its not really a choice at all. It certainly is going to take a lot of love, patience and understanding to work through all of this....
Thanks again for your advice. Hope this day find you doing well!
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Quote: The misconception I had all along is that this was something she "chose" to do to cope with her negative emotions
This is a really common misconception, the product of bad psychotherapy, and unfortunately still prevalent.
D and I saw an episode of Oprah last week on EDs, and we were both so mad we could spit. Some poor woman was on there, she was anorexic and had been struggling with it for a long time, and the therapist basically told the husband he should leave her for the kids sake (implying that her behavior was voluntary). Now really - if she was dying of cancer, how inappropriate would that be, to tell him to leave her for the kids sake because she was "choosing" to die from cancer? How could anyone look at an 80 lb. woman and think this was just some "choice" she was making?
And the sad part was, this was not a woman in terrible denial. She wasn't one of those anorexics who just say "I look great this way and nothing anyone does will get me to change". She clearly wanted help!!!!
GRRRRR is right. No wonder I hate those darn shows. If there is something I know about my W is that if she COULD control it she would. I just cannot comprehend how this has affected her and how she must feel.
For whatever it is worth, at the least my W is not in denial with me....she really has been pretty forthcoming about some things with me that I had not expected her to be. I am truly happy that she has that level of trust with me that she is able to confide some of her darkest secrets.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
