Rob, that sucks man! I really feel for you because like some other's here, your sitch is very similar to mine, as you well know.
It seems like the theme for the week is "they just don't seem to give a damn what we say". I know I feel that way. I haven't expressed that much in my thread but I should. I too share your same frustration, Mama & Rob. I do all these things, not just for W, but for me, and it seems not to register with her at all. That said, I think it DOES register but maybe they just don't do a good job of letting us know when they DO notice or appreciate it.
Now, specifically for your sitch...
Quote: It just boggles my mind that a decision can't be made about her life...yes, I know, many others are faced with similar circumstances, but what is it about these WAS' that makes them forget about everything important, everything good and only focus on the negative?
I don't think it's so much that they forget, or don't notice so much as they don't necessarily BELIEVE in the new situation that is your M. They are still in that mode where the M represents the devil they know, that may have changed clothes and hair style, but is still the devil. The OM represents all that is new and different. They are the beacon of hope when there was no hope. Either that or hopeless losers praying on married women...lol. Sorry. What I mean is that your W's inability to just cold turkey this thing is maybe because she still sees issues in your marriage and with you she doesn't like and can't/won't talk to you about them so still thinks leaving is better than the alternative of accepting the M as is. Of course she COULD learn to communicate, read Mars/Venus, read 5 LL's and make a sincere, heartfelt effort to rebuild the marriage with you, but hell, that would actually take hard work, time and commitment...ouch. I guess seeing you back here like this makes me a little angry. I vowed to stop my sarcasm long ago and I swear that will be the last one... Try to understand Rob, that yes, you have had issues with just focusing on the good things and I think, even though I said all that crap back there, you really need to try to do that once again. She's still there, working on things, just not as hard or fast as you'd like.
Quote:
I guess that's the other part of it too.....I'm beginning to think that maybe I gave too much and never asked for enough in this relationship. I look back over the years and while I wasn't the perfect husband, I did a lot of the things that were "right" without a handbook. Aside from the obvious (not gambling, staying out to all hours of the night, etc.) I always tried to make my W feel important and happy. In short, I believe I did everything I could to make things good for her and it just isn't enough.
I'll beat OT to the punch (sorta). Sometimes I feel I did too but I know I did not. Maybe, just maybe there ARE situations where the LBS WAS almost perfect, or perfect enough to have the issues 99% the WAS's fault. Also too, it's possible that your WAS is just an evil ass for whom there is no place in decent human society.
For all the rest of us, and Rob, this means YOU, there is a huge job ahead of us in trying to put ourselves in their shoes and understand what THEY feel is wrong with the R. Maybe we thing their reasons are stupid, offset by other "good" things, irrational, petty, whatever. Point is that no matter how foolish their reasons are/were, and how many GREAT things we did during the M, those reasons were enough that they decided to stray from the marriage.
Quote: I was reading in Mars/Venus that men, in particular, need the time to withdraw from relationships at times (the rubber band effect) when they feel too close. When this natural cycle is interrupted, it tends to bring about overdependence and other various nasty stuff. Looking back, I have to wonder if this isn't the case with me. I never was truly given that space even though at times I felt I needed it. Anytime I started to pull away, i was usually sucked back in emotionally (through negative stimuli). Now, to be fair, I suppose she wasn't always allowed to have her "wave" crashing moments either because i would usually try to "help" her out of her down moods. I don't know, everything seems so dysfunctional and I wonder whether it can ever be fixed. I mean, I can see myself recognizing these things and making the effort to have better relationship skills, but I don't ever see my W doing the same thing. And while all these things are good things, what good are they if only one person is employing them?
I don't really identify with the whole "cave" thing. I think there is some role reversal in my sitch, but more on that another time. So, you will need to examine your own cave. As for me not letting my W have her "wave" time, I too feel I failed in this. We have to resist the urge to fix them no matter how easy it seems to do. After reading Mars/Venus, I can say that this is one of the most beneficial things I got from it. Letting them have their down moments is also another word for detaching.
Quote: I guess I'm a little bother today more than usual because W is again taking one of her weekend getaway trips. This will be the third one since the beginning of the year. She'll declare during the week that she needs to "get away" from things and I completely understand this....heck I need to get away from things too.
Rob, I really struggled before responding to this because my intuitive response is to say WTF? What about getting away with YOU and seeing what it's like with YOU, away from it all? I know when W and I went to Ireland, it seemed to open her eyes to the fact that life was actually fun with me, so long as the bills, kids and other daily life didn't interfere. Sure, it sounds like that trip would have been great for W if she went with ANYONE else but it meant a lot for us to be able to enjoy each other's company. I think we need a reminder every now and then that all the world's issues are NOT our spouses fault and removing ourselves from the "world" together is good.
Quote: The other thing is that typically she comes home and she "says" that she wants to work this out, she wants to get her life back, etc.....but it only lasts about two days
What do you think causes her to relapse into confusion mode?
All in all Rob, I think you just need to get back on track. I think you probably fell back into some old habits and need to get back to DBing again. Keep us posted!
