Sheesh, what a week so far. My impatience is getting the best of me and I find myself falling back into familiar patterns. I really need to re-focus, but sometimes its so hard when things just seem so unfair. I know, I know, I'm playing the victim, but damn....

Okay, that was vague. Basically this week has been rough for me and I'm not sure why or what to pinpoint as the cause. I basically got confirmation that things haven't changed much in my sitch despite what I might have thought. Seems that OM is still a very big part of her issue right now, she's unhappy, confused, etc. All the good things that come with life you know. This really brings me down because I know that this person doesn't have anything more to offer my W and yet she's still waffling. It just boggles my mind that a decision can't be made about her life...yes, I know, many others are faced with similar circumstances, but what is it about these WAS' that makes them forget about everything important, everything good and only focus on the negative?

I know I'm going to take a hit for this today, but I really need to vent. I get so resentful when I look at all the things that have been done to try and provide a good life for my W and D's and find out that none of that means anything, or at least no as much as I thought it should. Another thing that drives me insane is the fact that the WAS can get so indignant about behavior that they themselves used to exhibit, and still do to a large degree, but find themselves loathing it when you do it. For whatever reasons, over the years, my W was very concerned about what I was up to, how much money I was spending, who I was talking to, etc. I was subjected to twenty questions about spending $5 or if a unusual number popped up on my cell phone, etc. Of course, now that W has her own "thing" she sees that these things were bad, and can't understand why I would want to do these things. WTH?!? It drives me insane.

I guess that's the other part of it too.....I'm beginning to think that maybe I gave too much and never asked for enough in this relationship. I look back over the years and while I wasn't the perfect husband, I did a lot of the things that were "right" without a handbook. Aside from the obvious (not gambling, staying out to all hours of the night, etc.) I always tried to make my W feel important and happy. In short, I believe I did everything I could to make things good for her and it just isn't enough.

I was reading in Mars/Venus that men, in particular, need the time to withdraw from relationships at times (the rubber band effect) when they feel too close. When this natural cycle is interrupted, it tends to bring about overdepedency and other various nasty stuff. Looking back, I have to wonder if this isn't the case with me. I never was truly given that space even though at times I felt I needed it. Anytime I started to pull away, i was usually sucked back in emotionally (through negative stimuli). Now, to be fair, I suppose she wasn't always allowed to have her "wave" crashing moments either becuase i would usually try to "help" her out of her down moods. I don't know, everything seems so dysfunctional and I wonder whether it can ever be fixed. I mean, I can see myself recognizing these things and making the effort to have better relationship skills, but I don't ever see my W doing the same thing. And while all these things are good things, what good are they if only one person is employing them?

So where does that leave me and my sitch? Pretty much the same as it ever was. I'm sad, I'm angry, I'm hurt...the whole gamit of emotions. I feel sorry for my W whose life up until October 2005, was very stable but now is nothing but turmoil. I resent that I feel as though I've put forth so much and now get very little recognition.

I guess I'm a little bother today more than usual because W is again taking one of her weekend getaway trips. This will be the third one since the beginning of the year. She'll declare during the week that she needs to "get away" from things and I completely understand this....heck I need to get away from things too. The past two times, she has left and gotten a hotel room somewhere in the area...each time it was a different place, but I don't ask where she is. This bothers me because for all I know, she could be using the time to spend with OM and honestly, she probably is. This weekend is no different....underneath it all, I'm skeptical....heck who wouldn't be in our sitchs, and I did express this because I felt it was important to express how I felt about it in a direct way. Of course, this only causes her to get upset and see me as accusing, but I wasn't really. I was just saying that yes, I have my doubts, Yes I'm going to be skeptical, etc. but I understand her need to get away and just "be".

The other thing is that typically she comes home and she "says" that she wants to work this out, she wants to get her life back, etc.....but it only lasts about two days :-( The first time she did go away, she wrote me the most awesome note about how this is her happiness, her life, etc...notice they were just words. I feel that this time she will likely say those things again, but I "know" that they are just words....once again I'll be set up for disappointment.

Okay, enough rambling for one day. Please, and I'm directing this to OT, don't be so harsh. I recognize that my feelings are MY feelings and are too caught up in the past and in her. I know this, and yet its very hard to put into practice for me at this point. I applaud the efforts of so many others on here for at least being able to do so (GH, NM in particular) and I look to your sitchs for guidance.

Happy Friday.

"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu