Quote: ut, one of the other things, since we started out having kids very early on, my W was a stay-at-home Mom while I worked to keep our household. During this time, she would be very jealous if I suggested even taking time to spend with friends with work, or do things outside the home.
As you know, my brother from another mother, our W's, and lives for that matter, our lives, were separated at birth. In my sitch, my W is a stay-at-home mum as well and even though she never really complained too much, I felt uncomfortable ever really doing anything "fun" without her, with people from work, etc. I too don't really have friends outside work and did most everything with W. The real difference I guess is that my W does have friends, not too many, but some that she does things with every now and then. I think in my case, much of my W's "jealousy" about me doing things outside the house was just my "Mars" misunderstanding of her "Venus" need to vent about things. I know she was actually jealous sometimes, but for the most part, and this has come out since the bombs fell, she felt trapped, and uncomfortable HERSELF about going out with her friends because I was not going out. How's that for backwards. Catch 22 or something like that.
Anyway, I think we now know that for you and I, it's more about the KIND of time we spend with our W's and making sure that we meet their needs with the time we have.
Quote: I’ll own up, I have mixed feelings about this simply because OM is still hovering about….so I wonder if any “time” away simply is code for time with OM.
Same here, but in our cases, I think we need to TRY to take our W's at their word, no matter how tainted that word may be. My W is going out tomorrow night and we'll see how that goes. All I am looking for from her, and it may take some "directness" on my part to get this, it for her to acknowledge my fears and reassure me that she can be trusted.
One of the things I realized is that through all of this one thing that hurt me most is that not only could I not trust my W, but she didn't care if I trusted her. I don't think I need to trust her yet, but I want to know she wants me to. Does that make sense?
Quote: I lit some candles and both of us soaked in our Jacuzzi tub for about an hour or so. A very nice time indeed. We talked about so much (not about R in particular, just a lot of other things) and made sure that I was overly aggressive in sexual overtures. A nice soothing back rub and then she just laid against me as we talked. Most certainly a positive night!
Nice. I wonder if that was a typo (made sure that I was overly aggressive in sexual overtures) or if you meant that. Not that it's bad one way or another, just wondering. Sounds like you're moving in the right direction!
Quote: So that’s basically where things sit. Nothing grand, nothing horrible. There is a lot of work to be done and I really believe a lot of it comes to rest on me to show her that this R can be fun and exciting.
Yep, that's about the shape of things. Frank over in piecing is in the same place and is struggling too. It's a good problem to have, especially when compared to the opposite. I think we are all having the same thought right about now; why can't the W's either tell us something OR DO something to help this process along? It seems like they need to start picking up some slack on their end and helping to make this work. Who knows, I guess I am still ok with being the ONE to do the work at this point, hoping, believing, that W will join in later on when she finally KNOWS this is all for real.
Quote: Less R talk…this is a huge problem for me and it was even worse before. But I’ve been doing much better at just letting the convo flow when it does.
Yes. Live life, don't talk about it so much. It's like the old Bugs Bunny cartoon where the mobster tells Bugs to shut up and he spends the next few minutes telling the guy how he's going to shut up, he's shutting up, not another word...etc. After awhile, once the message is out, the actions need to follow.
Quote: Snooping: This one really was the one that killed me….I really have scaled back, but sadly have not completely eliminated. My goal this week is to NOT do it at all. And to anyone who has read this far in my post, let me offer this advice…if you are a snooper, be prepared to face your S’s little “snooping tests” so that they can see whether you are still doing it. Its just better not to do it….honestly.
I agree, and you know that. I actually feel more compelled to snoop now than at the height of the A because I want to confirm her assertion that the A is over. That said, the major reason I didn't snoop, other than it not helping in general, is still there. Whatever I find is out of context and thought I think I know what, lets say, his number on her phone means, I don't. I don't know what was said, I don't know much of anything. Same goes for texting. It's all out of context and in my case, even though she claims NO contact with OM, I don't want half the truth even if that half confirms she's lying.
Flying blind is not really the point here, it's just the realization that the map you think you found may be 5 years old and not really get you to where you want to go.
Quote: Detach: While still not totally detached, I have distanced my emotions and feelings from hers to a large extent. No longer do I go on the defensive or try to “fix” things when something is has got her blood pressure roiling. No longer do I offer up my professional analysis of what’s wrong with her. In short, I’ve been much better at stepping back from the drama and just observing instead of becoming an “actor”.
Great for you. This is hard, but VERY necessary to aviod those fights/arguments that arise simply because we get sucked down into their stuff when they really need us to stay where we are and just help them along if anything.
You sound GREAT and I hope to hear more good news. BTW, have not been back to Disney since the last time so...
