Just journaling here….I’ve been absent from the boards (at least in post mode) for the past few weeks and I guess its about time to update on my sitch. Strangely, not a whole lot to report. Things have been sailing along for awhile, kinda in limbo land. W and I have shared some very nice moments of closeness, but not enough to really have a major breakthrough at this point.
On Friday, we had a nice little convo regarding our R and just some of the things that have been going on. Basically, what I took from it was that she is still unhappy and confused about a lot of things, but still recognizes that we have a lot of good in our R and that we mostly have in our past. She sees me as a good husband, a good father and loves me very much. Yet, this “thing” keeps her confused. I guess I can understand that….the “thing” offers her adventure, excitement of a different variety that is so hard to achieve in an M with three young kids.
Funny, I’ve been reading on here about how so many couples lose touch with friends, etc., and tend to rely upon each other for happiness. My W has never really had any long term friends in her life and for that matter, I don’t believe I have either. We’ve moved several times during our R and it was always hard to maintain any friendships. But, one of the other things, since we started out having kids very early on, my W was a stay-at-home Mom while I worked to keep our household. During this time, she would be very jealous if I suggested even taking time to spend with friends with work, or do things outside the home. I’m not being judgmental in the least here, this is just the way it was. For my part, I used to get a little upset by this, but I figured I shouldn’t be taking opportunities to “get” away, when she herself had no such opportunities. In the end, I think this is something that has come back to haunt both of us. This was something she mentioned the other day, about how she would like to be able to go out with a friend every once in awhile, etc. Okay….I’ll own up, I have mixed feelings about this simply because OM is still hovering about….so I wonder if any “time” away simply is code for time with OM. Of course, it may not be and truthfully, I can’t obsess about it. But its funny that she started feeling this way right about the time the bomb dropped. A small part of me also harbors some resentment here because I gave up so many opportunities when she felt that it was the way it was supposed to be, but now I’m supposed to roll over and provide her with the freedom I never had? Okay, I expect to take a little smack for that, but I recognize it as resentment and I’m doing a lot to bed it down.
In any event, Friday night was mostly uneventful…had some of our neighbors up for a few drinks, went to bed late. Saturday was a gorgeous day and a day for egg hunts. We took D’s to an egg hunt in the morning and then I went for a motorcycle ride. W took the girls to another egg hunt, and I stopped at a motorcycle shop to by W some riding gear (she needed a helmet and jacket). Later, she took the opportunity to go out shopping for some new summer clothes (sort of an Easter present from me to her). Saturday night, we ended up making baskets on behalf of the Easter bunny and W and I did something we haven’t done in a long time…..I lit some candles and both of us soaked in our Jacuzzi tub for about an hour or so. A very nice time indeed. We talked about so much (not about R in particular, just a lot of other things) and made sure that I was overly aggressive in sexual overtures. A nice soothing back rub and then she just laid against me as we talked. Most certainly a positive night!
After the morning festivities, yesterday just was a typical Sunday…..outside chores, etc and I let W catch up on some rest. We took the girls for a walk to McDonald’s to grab some ice cream and then toured a couple of new homes in our neighborhood for curiosity’s sake. I was a little down because it was back to work night for W and I still long for her complete adoration and affection, but I really never let it show to her. She thanked me several times for a very nice weekend and I in turn let her know that I appreciated everything as well.
So that’s basically where things sit. Nothing grand, nothing horrible. There is a lot of work to be done and I really believe a lot of it comes to rest on me to show her that this R can be fun and exciting.
Something else that we talked about on Friday was whether I was every happy in our M and whether I could be happy with her. Strangely, I chalk many of those doubts in her up to my inability over the years to show her, in her way, how much I did truly love and cherish her. This was a major failing on my part and if only I had known then what I know now……anyway, can’t focus on the past. I told her that I was very happy with her and that I was happy in our M, although I acknowledged that we had some problems (e.g., lack of communication, loss of intimacy, etc.) that we would need to focus on in moving our R forward. For my part, I have been making some changes in who I am and how I view her, but I think it will be some time before she starts recognizing them and working to change herself.
Some changes that I have effectuated in the last several weeks:
Less R talk…this is a huge problem for me and it was even worse before. But I’ve been doing much better at just letting the convo flow when it does.
Snooping: This one really was the one that killed me….I really have scaled back, but sadly have not completely eliminated. My goal this week is to NOT do it at all. And to anyone who has read this far in my post, let me offer this advice…if you are a snooper, be prepared to face your S’s little “snooping tests” so that they can see whether you are still doing it. Its just better not to do it….honestly.
Detach: While still not totally detached, I have distanced my emotions and feelings from hers to a large extent. No longer do I go on the defensive or try to “fix” things when something is has got her blood pressure roiling. No longer do I offer up my professional analysis of what’s wrong with her. In short, I’ve been much better at stepping back from the drama and just observing instead of becoming an “actor”.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
