Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

Ok, dear friends Ellie and H2H (where have you been, girl??) -- I will take it as a sign of your confidence in me that you think I can rise to this challenge. Yesterday AM I did NOT agree with you but I'm feeling more spirited today.

First off...we have a babysitter for Saturday night AND we have another one coming for an interview on Sunday afternoon -- so between those two and my stepmom, we have 3 of the 4 weekends in a month covered (I think each will commit to one night a month at least). I have a couple of other possibilities to find the 4th weekend coverage.

1. He feels that despite our pre-baby conversations we have turned into people whose life is "all about the baby". He said that he didn't realize that she would have to be watched at all times save when she's sleeping. That it's all encompassing, etc.

More positive spin -- that yes, h is saying loud and clear that he misses US and our alone time. I realized today that it is a gift that he said all of this outloud...when he dropped the bomb so many moons ago I wondered if I had missed the "conversation" warning me. This I can hear loud and clear.

So, #1 becomes:
h would like our relationship to be on the front burner again.

How:
-- Set aside time for us each week to be alone (date night)
-- Make times when we are alone more special -- make sure to listen intently, take time to just relax with each other, consider how to avoid the rut of weeknights blurring together.
-- LISTEN when he is talking
-- Figure out what REALLY needs to be done "now" and what doesn't. DON'T do what doesn't need to be done.
-- More as I think of them.

2. He does not want to be corrected, EVER -- earlier during the evening when we were getting ready to feed her he ripped a toy out of her hand (our "rule" is "toys or food in the highchair, not both"). I said "She's getting to the point where you might want to tell her that you're going to take the toy away" (notice that I did not say "ask for permission"). Anyway, heinous mistake on my part. He said I think my way is always right, etc. OK, easy enough.

The more positive spin -- h is saying "My relationship with DD is special and separate from your relationship. I want to feel confident and able in caring for her. Please allow me the latitude to learn how to do things my way. You may even learn something Miss Smarty Pants. "

How:
-- Let DD and h spend more time alone together -- schedule "me" time out of the house
-- Note and verbally appreciate the things that he does with her
-- Show h the "process" type things (mixing her cereal, fixing her food, etc.) so he feels more confident doing them
-- Accept that he will grumble about most of these things but allow that he really wants to do them
-- Bite my tongue in lieu of offering "helpful advice" (aka, my way or the highway)
-- Engage him in discussion on approaches to take (but NOT on date night! ) This isn't me telling him what I would do but more listening to how he wants to handle things...I've found that he really does like to talk about "so how should we handle this thing in the future"
-- More as I think of them

3. That he's stressed out about his new job.

Last night he was in a MUCH better mood and it was because he was no longer worried about something at work (note to self, when he's worried about work he may start griping about home).

I think I've been very good about listening to his job stuff and being supportive but it occurred to me this AM that he might think I'm NOT getting IT in terms of how hard his job is (because I keep telling him how awesome he's doing). Test the waters of saying "Oh, that sounds so hard/complicated/complex" instead of "I'm sure you can do that". That way, when he does succeed, it will have been noted how complicated a task he just accomplished.

4. That he doesn't feel well.

I think this is tiredness + the depression that Ellie cited + us not working out/eating particularly well. I think I can help with this by getting back on the exercise horse, myself, and by encouraging us to eat healthier at home.

I'll put some actions around this and expand on the others when I have more time!

Thanks, guys I'll be back.
Sage