Oh Sage...she is just simply...perfect...perfect and beautiful, just as I suspect her mother is, knowing what I know of her mother's soul.
Don't fret, dear sweet Sage...you are most definitely still an active part of this community. Yes, you still "get it". You have grown immensely with your M and H. And no, if he chooses to fall off the fidelity wagon, that's his problem and not yours, and you will not be a fool. Trust me, I've run that scenario through my head about a jillion times. I know who I am, more now than ever. SO knows he almost lost what we have. If it goes south, it will be his doing, and not mine.
I think one of the great gifts of DR is that we learn the high road, and we learn it in a big, bad hard way. Things our mums never taught us, eh?
Thanks for the kind words about my girl and also for making me feel better about being out of touch.
Ellie, I SWEAR, h and I do occasionally get out on a date, though not nearly as often as we used to! The night I posted last was definitely a "work only" thing! We've got our anniversary coming up in a few weeks (sis is babysitting) and I'm sure my stepmom and dad will babysit again soon. TBH, though, I really do need to work on getting myself back in "wife" mode. It's been too long.
Things are good. DD is good, H is good. I could, no doubt, use a re-read of DB or the like but only for my own peace of mind. All is well in sageland.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Thanks for the kind words about my girl and also for making me feel better about being out of touch.
Ellie, I SWEAR, h and I do occasionally get out on a date, though not nearly as often as we used to! The night I posted last was definitely a "work only" thing! We've got our anniversary coming up in a few weeks (sis is babysitting) and I'm sure my stepmom and dad will babysit again soon. TBH, though, I really do need to work on getting myself back in "wife" mode. It's been too long.
Things are good. DD is good, H is good. I could, no doubt, use a re-read of DB or the like.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Quote: I often wonder if you plan to go back to work in 2007?
Do you mean my "day job"? If so, I'm already back -- since June -- not as traumatizing as I thought but still difficult nonetheless.
Or, did you mean DB'ing? If the latter...I desperately need to be back here right now! Posting more regularly, checking things out, etc.
Deal is...h has been looking sort of shell shocked of late. Told me over the weekend that he finds caring for DD "all encompassing" and too much...that weekdays are better than weekends...that he needs a lot more downtime than he's getting (let's be clear...he gets plenty of free passes from me...). So, for most of the weekends of late he's been pretty distant...not wanting to hang out with me and Charlotte and being sort of a jerk when he is. I hate seeing this for a thousand different reasons...it reminds me of THEN...it reminds me of my dad and his crappy parenting, etc.
I know I need to get my head wrapped around this and I know it's fixable (?) with enough energy on my part but truth be told, I'm tired...tired physically, tired mentally, and in some ways, tired of being responsible for US. I should give him credit for telling me clearly what's up but, it's still difficult.
What I need to do is get out my logical approach and break this all down...it's not just one thing, it's 3 or 4. Short version is that he needs more time with me, to be sure...and more enjoyable time with Charlotte, and more time when he can do his own thing without guilt.
She's in kind of a rough phase right now...teething...trying to stand up on everything and not always successfully so needing constant supervision, kind of crabby, truth be told! But, I love being with her so I feel as though we're getting polarized again...I'm the one who enjoys our daughter and he's the one who doesn't. I know if I stick to that theory, things will get worse quickly.
I need to work out when things are actually better...what the setting is...what's going on for him at work, at home, etc.
See why I said I need to be back here???
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Okay, girl - you NEED to find a good sitter! And you NEED a regular weekly date night with H - and it should be something more interesting than just dinner or a movie all the time.
And - you need to split up the weekends - time for you, time for him, time for you both as a couple. Just don't make the mistake I made, and give all your energies to your baby and to freeing up your H - claim some time for yourself! I used to think I was being a good wife by putting my H's needs ahead of my own, but in the long run, he didn't appreciate me for it - just resented that I wasn't out doing more interesting things.
So - how about this:
- one regular night a week as date night - Saturday mornings are his time doing his guy things without the baby - Sunday mornings (or afternoons) are your time doing things without the baby and h
And no more him going out with mixed groups of coworkers without you! You get a sitter and go with. Make sure every one of his friends and coworkers knows you well and thinks you're the greatest (because you are:) ).
And if you think h is getting a little depressed, how about sneaking some light therapy in on him? I found a site with a very cheap dawn simulator (you could claim you need it to help you wake up). Getting him to use a light box might be harder, but a dawn simulator might be enough to help.
I know that feeling you're having - "to heck with him if he can't step up". Just suck it up and rethink your strategy. Having a little one is stressful on any marriage, and H's often suffer from the lack of attention as we are so engrossed with our babies. I know I often felt like I just didn't have anything left to give my H at the end of the day. But the best thing for your baby is for her parents to have a sound marriage.
I know if I stick to that theory, things will get worse quickly.