Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

Hi all,
Thanks so much for the responses! I'm feeling a bit more like my normal self...Charlotte is sleeping somewhat better (at least she's up to 3 hours between feedings now for the most part over night) and she seems more predictable...I have a reasonable sense of what works and what doesn't so I don't feel so lost! Of course, that's all going to get turned around when she starts daycare in a few weeks.

As for h, let me assure you guys that I am lavish (but appropriate!) with the WOA and praise. The guys gets ample support from me, to be sure. What I'm still failing on his QT and PI...and those are equally important to my martian...I need to get my act together.

As for mom's day...Ellie, thank you so much for the suggestion! We didn't do our redo last weekend as h graduated from law school and I threw a big surprise bash...but sunday is mom's day redux. I gave him some guidelines and will reinforce those as the day gets closer. I think it was a relief to him! He even wrote it in his datebook!

Thanks again, all, it really helped.

Sage

[NotRealistic]

Sage,
How do you get through the times where you feel dis-connected? Do you have any "guides" to get back on track?
Just a newbie needing help but I don't feel in crisis mode that I want to start a post, if that makes any sense

[sage]

Sage,
How do you get through the times where you feel dis-connected? Do you have any "guides" to get back on track?
Just a newbie needing help but I don't feel in crisis mode that I want to start a post, if that makes any sense

Do you mean disconnected from your spouse?

I don't know enough about your sitch to comment yet...can you give me a snapshot?

Sage

[NotRealistic]

Do you mean disconnected from your spouse? Yes

I don't know enough about your sitch to comment yet...can you give me a snapshot?

Me 45
H 48
D 25
S 19
Married 20 years
On March 15 our son moved out and we became empty nesters. I went through a meltdown, mini mlc was a supreme b*tch for about two weeks and almost became a WAW. I still can't believe my H stuck around for the beating (not physical). I was researching on the internet for a divorce when I found DB. Since starting DBing things are pretty good but I still get into an occasional funk and start feeling like we are growing apart. I have read through your stich, yes, I think all of it and thought I remembered a few times you felt the disconnect and was curious how you thought you pulled you and H out of it or do you just have to let it flow and consider it normal?

[sage]

Do you mean disconnected from your spouse? Yes

Ah, thanks.

Well, I think you guys need to rediscover the things that brought you together in the first place and/or kept you going at times you don't feel disconnected. Michele would ask "What's different about the times you don't feel that way?" and then go from there.

Do you know your h's love language? Do you know yours? (I'm referring to the book "The Five Love Languages" by Chapman). For me, a way to resolve feeling disconnected is to make an effort to speak h's love language because that warms him right up and makes him want to be around me more and that, in turn, makes me feel happier. Now, there is a fine line, though, you can't JUST speak his language and never get YOURS satisfied because you will likely end up resentful and that sure equals more disconnection in my book!

Are you familiar with the love language concept?

What did you guys used to do together that you enjoyed?

Also, don't discount the possibility that you may have your own solo needs to attend to that once met will make you feel more connected in general. IOW, are there things that you would like to pursue now that you have more free time as an empty nester? Satisfying some of those needs could make you feel more complete which will certainly benefit your marriage.

You might want to check out threads by "eyesopened", too. She posts over in the KLA section but a good search would help you find her too.

So, what do you think?

Sage

[sage]

Hi everyone,

Greetings from baby central. Charlotte is doing wonderfully -- 3 months in a few days -- and she's a joy. She's changing every day -- doing something new and cool. Already today she discovered the delight of the book "Fuzzy Chick" for the first time (though we've been looking at it for weeks). I am truly the doting mom!

Unfortunately, in times of stress (and there are many) I find myself reverting back to my old bad habits with h. Mostly around the area of offering up my bad old opinion about just about everything...I am constantly micromanaging how he deals with dd and it's driving me crazy. That and I just feel pissed off much more frequently and haven't been doing much to manage that as well. I swear, there are days when I wonder how the heck I EVER focused on DB'ing! I remember my intensity and sense of purpose and wonder how the heck to get it back.

There is good news, though...first off, h seems to not be holding this all against me. He told me yesterday that he understands that my intentions are good, that it's my instinct to want things to go perfectly for her so that if I think he's doing something wrong I instantly step in. At 4 this morning (while I was micromanaging his efforts to give her a bottle) we agreed that I need to condition myself to just let them find their way. I can do that.

Also, the other good news is that she's FINALLY getting the hang of sleeping we think (knock wood). After 12 weeks of being up every 2 hours or so round the clock, she slept 5 hours 2 nights ago and 6 last night. Of course, I can't sleep 'cause I'm too worried about why she's not waking up!! What a goon.

h and I have a date this week to celebrate my birthday (goodness, I'm going to be 40!!!). I'm really looking forward to it.

I started back to work last week -- working from home for last week and this week -- and a week from tomorrow dd is going to daycare. Another adjustment for all of us!

Maybe the combination of more sleep plus someone else caring for her for a bit will help me get my DB legs back. I'm also going to try to do the KLA tapes again.

Sage

[NotRealistic]

Sage,
I wanted to say thank you for taking the time to reply. A lot of wonderful questions for me to ponder. How silly was I to think there would be a 1, 2, 3 answer I don't want to hijack your thread. Maybe some day I will start my own .... but THANKS

[amd]

How great that H is able to tell you those things! That's from all the hard work you did over the past few years--it's still paying off.

[sage]

How silly was I to think there would be a 1, 2, 3 answer

Well...it kind of is a 1, 2, 3 answer...you don't have to feel overwhelmed by the process because all you can do is make a change, perform an action and see how it works...iow, you're not going to solve your "disconnection" problem without trying one thing or another first...one step at a time.

Here's my 1, 2, 3 suggestion for you:

1. Do one thing over the next week that you and h used to enjoy doing together -- a movie, a dinner out, etc. Ask him to join you...if he says no, DO IT ANYWAY and then warmly and excitedly tell him about it. Perhaps it will pique his interest in those things again!

2. Do one thing in the next week that speaks directly to his love language (are you familiar with this concept? the premise is that each person has a primary love language that when "spoken" makes the person feel loved but other efforts at speaking other languages to them don't convey love the way we think it should. the ll's are: words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, physical touch, acts of service.) think about what your h's ll is and then speak it!

3. Do one thing this week that will please you! Take some time to explore a new interest, etc.

If I do say so myself, the above would give a pretty reasonable guideline for reconnecting with oneself and ones spouse!

Sage

[kml]

Hey there, Sage - how's that baby doing?

Ellie