Baffled,

WOW, I am a bit in shock and flattered you took time to go back through my history.

YUK! UGG! Sick feeling in my stomach remebering all that!

Yes, we (as many of us) have some much similarities in our lives and in our spouses. It is a sad testament to some degree that relationships get to this point.

My Wife is oblivious to her actions, at least, on the outside. On the inside, well she will not open that door for me. She will manke statements about committment and remaining M and working at us, but her actions often betray her. That is the sad part. That usually leads to mistrust and feeling devalued and then the cycle of anxiety and fear kick in. That is where I feel some of the self-acknowledgement of my fears helps me these days. I am able to correlate my feelings to myself and deal with them on a personal level.

The other area that I need to work on is not placing my value and self-worth soely dependent on her views and statements. My self-image needs to be stronger than that. But it does impact it, as it rightfully should, she is the one I love for Pete's sake.

Thanks again Baffled, any insight would be helpful.

Journaling, update, whatever!

So Things are in cruise control. Two roommates or B/S or however you look at it. Trying to play the supportive role during her busy time of the year. Doing well from my end but the emotional side is wearing a bit thin. Am still hovering above the chess board for the most part, every once in a while a toe(or foot) hit the playing field but I retract it quickly as if touching a hot plate! Case in point this week has been a b!tch of a week, kids activities every night and W gone for work. She makes appearences here and there. Last night stopped by S7 basbeall game. When leaving she gave S10 and S4 kisses and then gave (I was sitting and she standing) me a kiss on the head. I responded with "Hey" she turned and said "what". I just said never mind. She tried to qualifiy it and I responded "Oh". S10 did not do that he stated "Wow Dad, we get kisses and you get one on the head, what's the deal with that?" I replied your Mom is in a hurry. W heard all of that. Ahhh kids, they do not miss a thing!

When she got home it was normal family banter and such. At bed time she mopes into LR and says I am tired and going to bed. Gives me a half hearted kiss (well not even that, her lips touched mine). As she was leaving I said "Wait" (GRRR ) she stopped. I said never mind. She went into Did I do something wrong? I just repeated nevermind. She went into her prepared response of I came in here to kiss you GN and it was not right. YUP, I replied "Oh". She sighed shook her head and off she went. Then it was more of the do this... do that as she rocked with S4 (BTW who I had in bed and got up b/c she made such a ruckus coming home!) The last straw was calling me in to take the wrapper from a snack S4 just finished. I looked right at her when I took the wrapper, held her eyes for 3 seconds or so then left. I made my point. She asked what are you pissed about? I replied I am not pissed. She started with I know you, you are. I replied again I am not pissed. So I think I handeled it fairly well. If it were not her stressful time, and busy time and being so close to the last blow up I may have responded differently. But this time I just avoided.

The response I may have given would have been something like this...
"W currently I feel the way I am being shown appreciation is that of hired help. That wrapper could have deposited in the trash when you went to bed. To be called in from the other room to do that causes me to feel like I am here to do various tasks and that is all. The lack of sincerity in our kisses and lack of intimacy supports that feeling. I am not a roommate or coparent, we have a relationship and a marriage. If I am unable to feel and see true affection, repsect, and desire in our interactions, than I will need to think hard if I want to continue to have these feelings of abandonement and feeling disvalued and unattractive."

It has been roughly 3 weeks since we have had sex (used to refer to it as ML but now.... ) And I am a bit edgey and desire to have that contact with my Wife for various reasons and on several levels.

So venting session done.

Thanks for listening!

F4W


Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.

Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!