I threw up that last comment on my way out the office and see now it was too brief and possibly confusing. Sorry about that. What I was thinking at the time was that you anxiety was kicking in again. I don’t blame you one bit since I’ve been through the same thing and it really tears me up. I can’t sleep, I get tired and more anxious…. You know the drill. Anyway, I found that when I am in such stress, my wife usually was too. So if we could have a talk and get to our true feelings, we both got back to even ground and could find some peace.
The problem is that we first had to get through about an hour of defenses, attacks, venting, etc. I then had to really keep focus on how I was going to get my point across to her on how she upset me, how I reacted and upset her, and how neither of us wanted that. All told, we would spend 3-4 hours until we got to an agreement. Sometimes she eve ncame out of this seemingly happy when I could tell we agreed on a single thing. I think she just felt connected by having her say.
So when we had a fight, I would ask to schedule time to talk and be sure there were no other commitments. Then I wouldn’t agree to end the conversation until we reach a truce. Before this, she would get frustrated with us going in circles and walk out. That would only make things worse because now we were not only made about the initial disagreement, but now with each other for not listening to our grievances. Things actually got worse. That’s why I decided to engage in these marathon discussion no matter how long they took.
It also set a pattern that if we could talk, we could become happy again. We both learned that the pain and anger was only a temporary condition and not the end of the marriage. She learned to recognize my commitment to her, even if she didn’t like what I said, and became comfortable enough to agree to disagree and still stay together. It was a behavioral conditioning lesson. It was important to me to relieve my anxiety and fear of abandonment.
I know this is not recommended for most couples, but it worked for us. You need to find your own recipe. You need to give her time to cool down but I also know that staying in a high anxiety state was hell for me. It mad me edgy and angry. I do not think it is good for me to stay that way for too long. At first I needed to give her several days before talking. Later we could shorten the cooling off period. But you emotional state is important and she needs to learn to recognize that.
If you make too many concessions for her comfort, you hand over power and control. Then she will invariably abuse it and you will get angry. You might try to find a happy medium where you have waited as long as you can to talk and she is still not quite ready to talk. That is fair since both are in equal discomfort. But again, you need to find your own formula. Hang in there, you’re doing great!
