I'm glad you felt good hovering over the board instead of getting into it with her chess pieces. THAT is self-control and what Schnarch calls "holding onto yourself." But now I'm going to suggest a refinement of this.
F4W wrote:
Quote: I might call her on that and say:
"W I did not cause the stress of your job and I do not deserve to get the brunt of your frustration with it. If you want to take it out on me please let me know in advance so I do not read it as something I have done".
But right now, vent away W, if that turns your crank go for it.
I suggest that you not react to her at all when she's being rude, not even with a statement like this. To me, this is just a milder, more civilized way of policing her, letting her know that YOU know what she's up to and you're not having any of it. You still have one foot on the chess board. I think you have to give up being the Wife Police and the Relationship Police, at least until you shatter some patterns.
As an experiment, just try not reacting to ANYTHING that she says or does that is inflammatory, moody, rude, martyr-ish. Don't YOU be rude; just don't react at all beyond a simple: "oh."
Try not asking her ANY questions. Make only statements and no matter how she reacts, just agree with her. When you ask her a question, even a simple one like, How was your day? Do you want me to --? Can I help you by --? What did you want me to do with --?" you are opening the door for her to let you know how much she is suffering because of you. Don't go there.
Just try it for a weekend or a week or so-- no questions, only friendly statements... I think this might help clear out the debris of mood, inflection, touchiness, snapping, etc.
So instead of saying: "Do you want me to pick up Johnnie from day care?" you say, "I'm picking up Johnnie at three."
If she says, "How many times do I have to tell you that on Friday, you are supposed to pick up J at FOUR!?"
You say, "Oh."
Instead of asking her: "What time are you going to be home tomorrow. I was planning to --" say instead: "I'm making a roast for dinner tomorrow night. It will be ready at seven. It's a new recipe and I think you'll love it."
Or "I'm going to mow the lawn when I get home tomorrow and then I'll go out and pick up Chinese food. I'll get your favorite pepper steak for you."
If she says, "Well, I hate roast and I won't be home until eight," you say: "Oh."
If she says, "I found out I'm deathly allergic to peppers, don't you remember-- what are you trying to do, kill me?" you say: "Oh."
Let her be the one to throw the rocks or pebbles and do not react with anything except equanimity and kindness, no matter what. I predict she will exhaust herself when she "gets" that all the negative energy is coming from her.
I don't think you're checking in too much here. Anyway people do check in a lot at first and at different times... I think you just caught cobra at a slightly off moment. Besides, if you really were obsessive, it would do no good to tell you to simply stop, any more than you can tell a depressed person to just "snap out of it." I thank you for the opportunity to make suggestions, especially when it involves creating dialogue, which I enjoy doing.
