I had to deal with the same anxiety. The best way I found to deal with this was but to be upfront and discuss the issues. The problem was in overcoming the manner in which we held discussions. The typical pattern was that hey turned into grievance sessions in which each of us tried to have our set of grievances take priority, and therefore be addressed by the other person. We were trying to put our needs first. Obviously that went no where.
This is why detachment and differentiation is so important, as Lil is describing. By walking of the battlefield, who do not worry about whether she will address your needs. If she does, great. If not, then ok too. You address them yourself. So in discussion, neither of you have to play the grievance game and you can focus on the core issues without getting emotional. You might find that deep within her defenses she wants the same things as you.
Since you two are both controllers, you both need to learn to listen to each other through mirroring and validation. Schnarch disagrees with this method, but my rationale is that for couples as strongly dysfunctional as yours and mine, the jump to true differentiation and self soothing is too much to make at once. It requires a certain leap of faith that your partner will do the same and not leave you out to dry. It is too scary. Like jumping into cold water, some will pace around forever before getting in. They experience the same cold as if they jumped, but they lost a half hour of swim time due to nothing more than fear. In a damaged relationship, this “wait time” can create even further damage. Both parties MUST see signs of forward progress right away. At first I do not think it matters if that path is the optimal one or not. The point is to get moving.
Validation and mirroring is a way for the two of you to re-enmesh (very anti-Schnarch), but in a controlled, healthy manner. You gain comfort because she says that she hears you and understands your fears. This does not mean she agrees with your views, so you have to stand on your own feet to an extent, but to me it is a happy medium. As things settle down, the two of you can proceed toward a truer differentiation a-la Schnarch without having to take that scary leap of faith on your own. You can try to reach a point where the both of you can make the leap together.
As for right now, step back and take a look at your beginning post on this thread. See how far you’ve come in such an amazingly short time? To me it is incredible. Just last week you were dancing along with a plan in mind, headed straight over a cliff that you didn’t even know was there. Now you are worried because you are walking along its edge and it seems scary. Do you really want the bliss of ignorance? Progress is being made. You have no idea what is going on in her mind either. You cannot eliminate risk, only minimize and control it. External assurance that risk has been eliminated is false and changeable. That is why you must depend on yourself and yourself only for this assurance.
Have you ordered Schnarch? I suggest buying two copies.
(Dadgummit, going to post and Lil’s already got her reply up! )
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