Quote: Am I on the right path here, or am I placating her. I am a bit unsure where my "normal" behavior is construed as controlling and more pursuit, or just am I conveying the message I want, I am still here and willing to stay and wait until you are ready to discuss this issue.
IMHO you are doing exactly the right thing. Think of it: what exactly is "placating"? To me, what you are doing is right because you are not taking the bait. You are breaking a pattern. You are taking the moral high ground (there is usually LOTS of room up there).
For example, when she calls you every day to remind you of something you already know and have already agreed to (the children) and you thank her, I think that is perfect. How many more times do you think she will do it if you keep thanking her? I say the payoff for her will rapidly disappear. BUT if you respond with annoyance ("Why in the he11 do you keep calling me about that? I've told you I would take care of it! Get off my back!), how many more times do you think she will call you? I say she will probably do it forever, because she can't stop or that will give you the satisfaction of knowing that you "got" to her. And on it goes. You must leave the field for the battle to stop.
Your statement that you are not sure what your normal behavior should be is a red flag to me. This should be a priority for you right now: figuring out what you want and what you want to do instead of giving in to the impulse to have a knee-jerk reaction to her. Another reason why leaving the field is good practice. When you do that, you KNOW you are acting from your OWN will and not from hers. You're acting from your own desire and for your own good. Every time you do that you become stronger and more in control of your own destiny, instead of being the fish on the end of the line that she jerks around.
I read an interesting analogy the other day, and I'll try it out by applying it to your sitch: you and your W are like pieces on a chess board. You move, she blocks, you take one of her pieces, she takes one of yours, back and forth-- the difference is, there is no clear winner, and the game seems interminable.
What if you decided that instead of being one of the colors, YOU became the chess board. Just let what happens on the board itself be her at war with herself. You stay out of the game as an observer. In fact her war IS with herself. By gearing your actions and reactions to her, you are down there on the battlefield and getting nowhere.
So far from "placating" her, I belive that when you stay out of the mundane conflicts (and the mundane attempts to engage her and "cheer her up") you leave her alone on the board to move the pieces around endlessly. And THAT breaks the familiar pattern, which has to be the precursor to real change. Stop playing HER game.
