Quote: The next area I believe I need to go but am leary of because it is enabling her. If I cease all expectations and affection etc am I not enabling her to continue with loveless acts?
This is quite fascinating question and it really jumped out at me.
Simple common sense would seem to say that if you don't call them on stuff and point out where they hurt you, you're letting them get away with things, "enabling them," as you put it.
But as backa$$wards as it seems, just the opposite is true.
It IS a good thing to mention that something bothered you, etc. And it's a good thing to have expectations and to show affection WITH NO STRINGS ATTACHED. But when you keep covering the same ground over and over again about someone else's behavior OVER WHICH YOU HAVE NO CONTROL, THAT'S when you are being the enabler.
Look at it this way-- you're still in the dance. The only way to end the dance is for you to leave the floor.
The alcoholic couple is a good example. When the non-drinking partner continually berates the drinker for drinking, pours their booze down the sink, picks up after them, or doesn't pick up after them, the dance continues. The way to end the dance is for the non-drinker to realize that s/he CANNOT control whether their partner drinks. All they can do is GAL as much as possible (and that can be quite a lot) within the context of the relationship, or leave. Of course it is a given that the non-drinker can ask the drinker to limit consumption, stop all together, not drive drunk, etc. all the while realizing that it is up to the drinker whether to comply.
If your partner continually makes life miserable for you in spite of your attempts to be civil, make progress, be kind, etc., then you have to ask yourself if you need to be there at all.
Continuing the dance of trying to get them to see (beyond a simple request, statement of your position, etc.), trying to correct them, help them grow, help them reach their potential-- it's all futile and not your job anyway. Their growth is their job; your growth is YOUR job.
I apologize for not being more current on your sitch, and apologize again if these comments are entirely inappropriate. It was just that your statement really caught my eye.
When my bf was getting sh!t-faced drunk every night and I first went to alanon, you can imagine how furious I was when I heard: "The alcoholic's drinking is none of your business." Cr@p! NOT what I wanted to know! I wanted to know how to make him stop. I found out that I couldn't make him stop. All I could do was decide what *I* would do. That's all we can EVER do.
