Motivated by Happy Giant's Post

[Fighting4Wife]

OK maybe a long day and my mind is mush, or maybe I am stupid.

Let me open the vault here a bit more.

You are sending conflicting signals. If she wants to have affection then she needs to choose the marriage. To drive that point home, she needs to feel the discomfort of not having that affection. That is part of what will make her uncomfortable, plus you will be honoring her request for space.

My W, at least what she says, would be fine with no affection whatsoever. She says she does not need it. I do not believe that, I believe it is a blocking tool. So if I am to honor that wish of hers, than I am denying my needs. How is that going to be productive. I understand through some of notATLdave's post how I can minimize my need for my wife to meet those needs, but affection in a relationship is important to me.

So if I pracitce affection abstinence, and she is being truthful, then I am in a relationship that will consistantly test my happiness.

How can your wife want you to be affectionate with her and yet not have you pursue her at the same time?

See above

I do not get the impression that she is the sexually aggressive partner, the one who initiates.

Correct

She wants you pursuing. What I suspect she wants is for you to stop controlling

Pursuit I am unsure, but I see the logic.
Contolling, Yes she wants that to stop.

If so, your pursuit of control has pushed her to the point of detachment. She is scared to leave the marriage because that is not what she wants. She wants the security. But she cannot stay in a relationship dictated by your terms. So even in offering her the “choice” of staying or leaving, you still feel the need to push your entitlement of a good night kiss. Now how is it that you have humility?

True for the most part. Am I understnading that you, rather the logic you are relating, than says I should have NO contatc with my wife?
If that isthe case, when do I get the understanding that she is willing to stay in the marriage and work on it. And IF that happens, am I to continue to have no contact?

Now if that means stopping all affection, contact, sex, converstaions, than that is the edge of the cliff I need to stare. I will not be party to that. second thought not party to that for long.

Just what does this statement mean? This sounds like black and white thinking. That type of logic is usually reserved for those who do not tolerate opposing viewpoints, who have an agenda and intend to push it. Its not so much what you say here (and I’m not really sure what you’re saying) but how you say it, along with other comments, that give me the impression you have an issue with control and this is driving your wife away.

What I was trying to state was, if no affection is going to be the status quo for her to remain and find her happiness, that I could do that for a limited time until we can work out issues. If it would be the reality of our marriage than I would have to look at ending the marriage. Did that make better sense? The issue at hand is the lack of physical closeness and EC between my W and I. Why would I remain in a marriage that is not meeting my needs but all of her needs are met. I do not mean for that to sound demanding but I am unsure how to phrase it otherwise. Is that not a boundry?

Now if that means stopping all affection, contact, sex, converstaions, than that is the edge of the cliff I need to stare. I will not be party to that. second thought not party to that for long.

Just what does this statement mean? This sounds like black and white thinking. That type of logic is usually reserved for those who do not tolerate opposing viewpoints, who have an agenda and intend to push it. Its not so much what you say here (and I’m not really sure what you’re saying) but how you say it, along with other comments, that give me the impression you have an issue with control and this is driving your wife away.

I believe that terms of the marriage need to be developed from both sides. Compromise and understanding. Some are negotiable and some are not. The love is unconditional, but again I am unable to find the logic that I need to continue to be unhappy to create her happiness.

I see over the past year, through your statements, I have changed one unhealthy relationship into another under the guise of forcing intimacy and affection.

Are you suggesting that I cease all physcial contact with my wife. Will that not be perceived as puting and my form of punishment?