Look, you two are in the crucible right now. Do you want her to make the “right” choice, which means she must push herself to choose something uncomfortable, something that she has not done for you. What incentive does she have to make an uncomfortable choice if you are keeping her comfortable? The pain of the choice must be less than the pain of staying where she is, right? That is a logical decision. You are making her choice illogical. You are sending conflicting signals. If she wants to have affection then she needs to choose the marriage. To drive that point home, she needs to feel the discomfort of not having that affection. That is part of what will make her uncomfortable, plus you will be honoring her request for space.
If she truly is an avoider, then she may come to realize she is not happy with you keeping distance and withholding affection and that her request is contradictory to her wants. She will then have to do some introspection. In doing otherwise, you are preventing her from her own growth and ultimately coming back to you.
How can your wife want you to be affectionate with her and yet not have you pursue her at the same time? This doesn’t make sense to me. I think she wants affection, as do most women. I do not get the impression that she is the sexually aggressive partner, the one who initiates. She wants you pursuing. What I suspect she wants is for you to stop controlling. If so, your pursuit of control has pushed her to the point of detachment. She is scared to leave the marriage because that is not what she wants. She wants the security. But she cannot stay in a relationship dictated by your terms. So even in offering her the “choice” of staying or leaving, you still feel the need to push your entitlement of a good night kiss. Now how is it that you have humility?
Now if that means stopping all affection, contact, sex, converstaions, than that is the edge of the cliff I need to stare. I will not be party to that. second thought not party to that for long.
Just what does this statement mean? This sounds like black and white thinking. That type of logic is usually reserved for those who do not tolerate opposing viewpoints, who have an agenda and intend to push it. Its not so much what you say here (and I’m not really sure what you’re saying) but how you say it, along with other comments, that give me the impression you have an issue with control and this is driving your wife away.
I get the feeling you are trying to make her decide on working on the marriage under your terms, but offering lots of “sweets” to lure her in. She has probably been there before and is leery. So what you offer is not an open choice. That is conditional, so don’t be surprised if she rejects it.
