Motivated by Happy Giant's Post

[Fighting4Wife]

From my post earlier on "newcomers":

First, I am cheating on this board. By that I mean I have started posting in SSM portion of this. I felt that the relationship was on firm enough ground to try and delve into some of the issues in the bedroom that are leading to issues outside the bedroom (oops, I was a bit premature Pun Intended )

In doing so I got some sound advice. In that advice I have realized that my wife and I have reached "critical mass" in our relationship. I could continue to withdraw and be unhappy and have doubts and jealousy or I can state exactly where I am at and force the issue (Michele's LRT). By giving my W a "credible threat" that this marriage will end if there is not loving, caring, and meaningful physical contact between the two of us I have outlined the exact specifics that I need to be able to give her what it is she wants. She has to face the reality that her request for D will be accepted and you better not be usung a scare technique to get me to back off. She responded with her feelings and issues. Granted we are now at a crucial time and stakes are high. But IMHO, now is the time where we both will be thinking of what we are willing to sacrifice and thow away. It may just be she is unable to get back.

So we have now laid it all out there(though I am sure they may be more she is not sharing). At this point we need to be able to have meaningful discussions about the issues at hand. The letter was my attempt at starting that line of converstaion. It is inevitable that these issues need to be addressed IMHO. I wanted here to know that I do understand her POV and have been neglectful in meeting those needs or dealing with those issues.

Her response can be taken several ways. I take it (and I think most of you do also) is "Thanks for the words" means do not tell me....show me.

So I am doing that. I have backed off, for now. The dynamic of BOTH meeting expectations must be in place. Right now she is in coast mode. In fact she has been in coast mode for the better part of this year. I am not saying I have the "right" answer to this problem, but I can say I am not staying in limbo anymore. Sometimes clear expectations need to be made known.

Updating...

Very little contact with W yesterday, which is good. She is waiting for me to move and press. I will not, almost did (discussed in a minute).

Went to my best friends house last night, the one I called Friday to see if I had a place to stay as I was leaving my M. He and his W and I had a long 3 hour talk over everything (except A). They were not suprised and were amazed at what I have gone through and am doing. They asked why I have stayed so long. I replied I honor the vows that I have taken and believe that God is working here for some reason I cannot know. Well I ended up staying until 11:00 PM. I drug myself home, emotionally spent. I walk in and W says I was just trying to call you, you said you would not be late. I replied, I did not take my cell with me. ( was this not the fuse that was lit the other night when she did not come home?) I ask if she would mind if I came to bed. (usually I wait until she is asleep, it is just better, I do not have the urge to initiate any contact and she falls asleep quicker). She replied No, what kind of question is that and gives the I am pissed and tired of this sigh. I say thanks, and get into bed. I apologize for being late and did not mean to make her worry. She replies I was not worried. I ask for a GN kiss (sorry folks but I am not going to not kiss my W GN) she grunts and says come here and gives same sigh again. I start to bite, what is wrong. She replies nothing, do not do this, not tonight. I just lay there and go to sleep.

Not much conversation in morning. I relate some stories about my night and the convo about friend's kids (we were like god parents to them) she is not interested by her responses and actions. I get kids ready. Give her a kiss GB, which was a peck, and returned for a better one (again, I am giving space BUT I will not be dismissed).

I get to work and my cell rings, it is W:

Me: Good Morning
W: Hey what time did you get the kids up? was it 6:00
M:6:30
W:They said 6:00
M: I turned the lights on at 6:20 and went back and got them up at 6:30
W: That is too soon. I do it at 6:40
M: SILENCE, stunned and pissed this is now a topic of conversation.
W: Hello?
M: Hello.
W Don't you think? What do you think on that? (In a much nicer tone now)
M: That is fine, I was up and just wanted to be able to have them ready so it would not be a problem.
W: Well they are tired and they had to sit around for 20 minutes until I was ready.
S: OK

She goes on about some stuff for tonight and kids are noisy in van. She just says she will call me later.

I am sure there will be more baiting, if that is what it was, before long.

F4W