Quote: I can see Mojo’s point in giving some distance. It makes sense with what she says about you being the problem (whatever that means). But on the other hand you say she has a lot of issues and cannot stand being “torn to emotional sheds” by you (I assume). Can I read into this that she has some self esteem problems (not a hard guess based on her past behavior) and that you are trying to “fix” her (based on your cockiness and knowledge of the field)? If so, this might only exacerbate the avoider/pursuer roles you two seem to be playing out. It seems this is a major factor in your marriage right now.
Space is not a real issue except for the fact that for years she has had that space, and was unhappy. For several years we lived that routine. Limited contact, focus on ourselves, detachement, lack of physical contact and sex. Lead me into my own mess.
The emotional shreds refers to me being torn by her. Something I now simply stop by identifying that behavior to her.
Quote: Also, if you understand the mental health field, why haven’t you pushed for counseling? Didn’t she say she would do whatever you asked? Maybe you should put your focus on therapy and back off the pursuit. This seems to be the obvious thing to do since she is complaining about being around you too much.
I am in favor and have pushed for this. She will waffle, yes...no...do not need it...I would welcome it b/c they see my point.
She refused to go anymore after the 2 joint and 1 IC sessions. Stating she did not like how I acted and reacted in the sessions. This was also the time she was "involved" with OM. Answering before you ask, the way I acted was I was totally honest and opened up. Yes tears. Never yelling. Only accusation that I made was reference to her affair.
I agree she gave up before we could get into the meat and potatoes of the C.
As to her wanting pursuit, maybe. Not in any overwhelming degree.
I agree with the mixed message but I did want her to understand that I will not hinder the fact if she wants to leave. I will not be party to anything more than a business relationship if that happens.
Quote: So how are you going to prove to her things are different now, that she can get the breathing room she needs, become comfortable enough to open up and maybe get into counseling? Upon learning more from you, it sounds to me like your counselors original recommendation was pretty much on target, saying you needed to give her space. What did you really hear in that statement to make you quit going? I can understand her wanting to quit, but I am also assuming she has a lot more issues in her FOO (family of origin). This doesn’t mean you are any healthier. I suspect you two are equally dysfunctional. Her statements are trying to tell you that, but I keep getting the feeling you are minimizing your issues.
Basically right now I am not doing much of anything. I see the main actions that create a lack of space is wanting to intiate conversations or hugs or kisses. So I am going about the house and not engaging in those activities. I am now limiting phone and email contact to just family oriented issues or logistics.
As to the C comment about giving space, it was not that as much as his statement (according to W) that he felt she would do just fine not married. Now this came out after we had quit counseling, so I can deny or confirm.
In regards to her FOO, if I understand the meaning, she has been the caretaker of everyone. Everyone counts on her and confides in her. Always. Now she does not want to have to be that caretaker for me.
Yes, Cobra, I am the first to say I am dysfunctional, yes broken home, yes to all the standard things. But the difference is I can cite all of my dycfunctions and am working on them. I am not sure she can, though I believe she could.
F4W, who now has bared his whole fricking soul to the cyber world!
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
