I think that is a good letter. I still sense some defensiveness and some justification in it (that cockiness is still bleeding through a little). Reading your reply, I understand your sitch a little better and it sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for you. You mention past behavior being control oriented. I’m the last one to fault you for that, though it needs to be changed, as you know.
I can see Mojo’s point in giving some distance. It makes sense with what she says about you being the problem (whatever that means). But on the other hand you say she has a lot of issues and cannot stand being “torn to emotional sheds” by you (I assume). Can I read into this that she has some self esteem problems (not a hard guess based on her past behavior) and that you are trying to “fix” her (based on your cockiness and knowledge of the field)? If so, this might only exacerbate the avoider/pursuer roles you two seem to be playing out. It seems this is a major factor in your marriage right now.
Also, if you understand the mental health field, why haven’t you pushed for counseling? Didn’t she say she would do whatever you asked? Maybe you should put your focus on therapy and back off the pursuit. This seems to be the obvious thing to do since she is complaining about being around you too much.
I still think she wants you to pursue her, otherwise she would have left already. Could that partly explain why she was surprised when you told her you were going to leave the marriage? And about that… I think that was a mistake on your part, but understandable considering the chaos you were feeling. Nevertheless you sent mixed signals, so why should she trust you now? There must be other such mixed signals in the past that she is trying to interpret, and maybe she is coming to the same conclusion as you, that these are all attempts at manipulation? That must all be so much more difficult to reconcile with her wanting distance but wanting pursuit (assuming she wants pursuit). No wonder she seems f’cked up.
So how are you going to prove to her things are different now, that she can get the breathing room she needs, become comfortable enough to open up and maybe get into counseling? Upon learning more from you, it sounds to me like your counselors original recommendation was pretty much on target, saying you needed to give her space. What did you really hear in that statement to make you quit going? I can understand her wanting to quit, but I am also assuming she has a lot more issues in her FOO (family of origin). This doesn’t mean you are any healthier. I suspect you two are equally dysfunctional. Her statements are trying to tell you that, but I keep getting the feeling you are minimizing your issues.
