Motivated by Happy Giant's Post

[Fighting4Wife]

Corri,

Thanks you for the in-depth reply. I found it helpful.

You, as do most of us not entwined in the situation, can easily identify the major issues.

She has stated that verbatim:
"I have to come home form work and start my other job."

To me this is perplexing. I understand it somewhat but on other levels find it perplexing.

When I have tried to be F4W outside the roles of father, dad, and husband she has stated that she does not want that. In fact she made a point of the other day saying, I have no desire to go away with you on a weekend to get away from it all. You are the problem and I am unable to get away from that problem.

I understand by doing more around the house will not solve the problem, in fact it starts the "game" of who does more. Even when I do out of caring.

There is baggage she has to check at the door and she does not want to right now.

In regards to the analogy of a worker not fulfilling job requirements, I agree for the most part. But the flip side is when an employee starts to shirk their assigned duties and tasks (BAD Phrases) then one has to point that fact out and the employee then has to make a choice. If they choose to continue to not meet their duties, then action needs to be taken. Usually by trying to help the employee identify why they want to continue to make those choices. I agree with the tediousness and boredom factors. But again, I can only influence so far by trying not to add to those by complaining. I believe that reality has hit home very hard now, and maybe too late.

I hate to box my W behavior with the all encompassing MLC tag, but I am inclined to do so. There are issues with her job, self esteem, perception of life in general, and the fact that she admits she was "all f'd up" when she had the affair. But by the same token her admissions are not worth much without action to correct or "fix" the issues behind the behavior. To that end I amd unable to help other than detach completely. Not my strong suit.

I am fully able to discuss myself and greatest fears, even in an environment where I may be torn to emotional sheds by her reaction. She on the other hand is not. At least not with me. I have a fairly extensive background in the mental health field, not an expert, but fair enough knowledge to understand the importance of what we are discussing here on the boards.

A comment on how I used to be compared to now. In the beginning I was a smart ass and very cocky. Over the years I still have those traits but not with my W. I am more reserved at home. Not saying a doormat, but rather trying to be more compassionate and less self centered. In the past months I have tried to encorporate some of those assertive traits again, but that has fallen into the controlling category. Again I see detachment as crucial. Still there, still supportive but not dependant on the emotional dependency on her.

Bottom line...I can survive without my W. I can move past this either way. But in her mind I am obsessed with her and every time I show caring, empathy, or concern I am pressuring. If I do not show those things I am pouting and unhappy. In that also I know that these are not my issues to deal with and may be her projection of her own issues upon myself.

F4W