Sounds like you and your W have identified your problems, their sources, and are willing to look honestly at them. That is a good thing, like Cobra says.
Unfortunately, issues of an emotional nature are not always easy to fix, even if they have been identified. Unlike a 'problem' at work, or a 'problem' with your car... that can be identified, a solution drawn and then implemented... fixing emotional stuff is a bit more complex because they involve changing habitual patterns of behavior. Going off 'auto' pilot... thinking and being aware of yourself, your actions and your reactions 80% of the time, rather than 20% of the time or less than when in AP mode -- is challenging.
In short... it's HARD. Just like diets.
People don't like to do 'hard' things. (Except HD women -- <giggle> sorry, couldn't help it.)
Ahem. Now. Let me ask you a question. Would you ever get upset with an employee for NOT doing something you FAILED to ask them to do? Probably not. OTOH, you would get upset and rightly so... if they just stopped doing a part of their job description one day because they decided they don't want to do that part of their job anymore. However... most people STOP doing things because it is boring, no longer fulfilling, etc., etc., whatever. So, you would examine... why are you NOT doing this part of your job anymore? You don't want to do THIS... but... let me help you... what DO you want to do?
As a previous LDer... when affection became part of my 'job,' it lost its appeal. When it became an 'expectation,' and I got 'nailed' for not anticipating my H's need, I got very resentful. I had NO PROBLEM giving a hug when asked... had no problem asking for a hug... but when my normal means of personal expression was slowly turned into an expectation... ewwhh. My 'spontaneous' side dried up, for the arena in which I could ACT spontaneous went away.
Not saying I don't understand you wanting spontaneous affection and demonstrative physical expression from your W. But examine the atmosphere in which you live... is it really set up to be spontaneous? Uhmmmm.... most married households are not. You have jobs, you have kids, you have ROUTINES you live by everyday... you view the "HOME WORLD" in one way... and I bet your W views it in another.
When your W says she needs more 'space,' she is saying she wants to be away from job, family and ROUTINE. You doing more household chores is not going to solve this issue because the environment the two of you interact with one another is NOT changing, no matter WHO is cleaning the toilets.
Sounds to me like your W is more in MLC mode... an affair being part of that 'rebellion.'
I'd ask your W how she sees your HOME world. It is my guess that she may see it as just another 'place of employment.' Do you see what I am gettng at? YOU in the HOME, in this other place of employment of hers... makes you a part of her JOB description of wife and mother. You are no longer F4W, she is no longer just HER, interacting as two people who fell in love.
I am not saying she doesn't want her 'other job at home,' that she doesn't want to be wife and mother, and perform that job well...
She wants to have fun and LIVE LIFE as Sally (or whatever her name is)... not as Sally the Administrator, not as Sally the wife and mother... those are ROLES... she just wants to be SALLY.
THAT is who you need to find and BE with... and you need to be with SALLY, not as F4W the administrator, not as F4W the husband and father... but as F4W the man OUTSIDE those roles... the guy she met and fell in love with... do you remember him? Do you know how THAT guy thinks and acts and feels outside his role as professional, husband and dad?
Be 'professional F4W' at work. Be 'husband and father' at home. Be LOVER somewhere else, in someway else...
