Motivated by Happy Giant's Post

[Fighting4Wife]

(Wife),

I sent this from home last night because of your recommendations not to send sensitive materials over my server at work.

I want to take time to "bare my soul" per se, not to be construed as drama, but to try and establish communication with us without any misperception on tone of voice or body language, sometimes it is best to communicate in a different mode. This is in no way a response to anything over the past 24 hours, but rather to the turn of events to date.

I can only comment from my side of this situation, but there are several items I can see you point of view upon, I may not agree, but certainly do see your point of view on several items.

I am also aware that this is a very busy time for you, but also recognize that this is a highly important issue that compels me to send it during this time. I am also aware that this may be seen as pressure, but my intent is only to communicate and understand all the issues at play.

First of all, I know you know any BS that comes out of my mouth before I say it, as I do you, and so I am speaking from my heart.

Secondly I would like to again apologize for all my behaviors. In the past when I used to try to control you it was out of fear of you leaving and my ending up being alone and feeling unloved. I truly love you but this panic overcomes me. It is something I am trying to recognize and change. It is not because I enjoy drama nor fighting with you. Far from it. Admittedly, I'm not succeeding as quickly as I would like. But the reaction is understandable and the annoyance it creates for you.

I have come to acknowledge your perceptions of my behaviors and lack of ability at times to not hear you, or hear you and still make stupid mistakes. To that end, I need to recognize when I do that sooner, prior to doing it, and find a better course of action.

I have come to acknowledge your perception that I try and place "stamp" on you through my referring to you as my wife in our discussions, and to some degree your perception that I treat sex as a sign of ownership.

It is with great joy and honor that I refer to you as my wife. That is a realization that I have learned about myself. In the realm of sex..., I will not go into great detail because I do not want this to be solely about sex, but do also acknowledge and see your perception that it is all about sex. I agree it is a strong factor in my feeling safe and secure in our marriage but also it is one way of my expressing commitment and love for and to you, but not just a physical release, though at time I am sure it is about that factor. I will also state that I do recognize the efforts you have made to accommodate my desire. I will state that it is you alone that captures the object of my desire and sparks my interest in sex. That is not to say other things do not bring on that desire, but that you are the one I wish to share that desire with.

I recognize that my constant approach for affection has been an annoyance and childish. It is not different than a child who feels threatened and in trouble saying "But I love you mommy" or crying to be held. It is also, as stated previously, the main way I express my love and caring for you non-verbally.

I do not defend my actions, but will explain that I believe physical touch as a non-verbal way of saying, even though I am mad or displeased with you, it will be ok and/or we will get through this. But to deny this is no different than denying that reassuring hug or kiss that is heartfelt to sooth the fear in a child who has done wrong. I am not trying to say they are on equal levels, but the principle is the same, also not to say treat me as a child, although as I stated my actions can be construed as childish.

I will say that when this process started over a year ago, that I made a decision that I wanted each kiss or hug with you to be the best it could possibly be, to leave you with the feeling of my love. In doing so I projected that belief onto you and I unfairly judged you and your efforts because they were based on my beliefs not yours. This hit closer to home when Dr. Talbot died and I thought to myself, what was his last interaction with his wife like. What was the last impression he left.

I have come to recognize, after reflection, that even in my efforts to make a better decision in regards to your decision you need to make, I again inadvertently was controlling the situation. If you need 3 weeks to decide so be it, if you need 3 months so be it, if you need 3 minutes so be it. My intent was not to prolong your unhappiness nor mine for that matter.

On the issue of my unhappiness, you are correct but not to the degree that you may think. As stated I am in love with you, and unhappiness or displeasure with items in our relationship does not mean that I desire to trash everything and start anew. When I communicate to you about my unhappiness, I see where you find it to be "nagging", but if a person does not know what they are doing is perceived as something that is offensive or causes unhappiness (a complaint), how can one make change to avoid it the future? Admittedly I have not been stellar in that area and been selfish by not making my own changes to your complaints.

As I stated earlier, I am approaching this from my side of the fence. It might be beneficial in the future if we can discuss this and it can be a two way conversation, or maybe a letter from you might be your avenue.

(Wife), I feel that I am taking a great risk here in sending this. But it is a risk, I feel is worthy, because it is you, our marriage, and family at stake here, not as possessions or status symbols; Rather they are things that I have taken for granted in the past and I understand that I hold dear to my heart and have no higher caring for. In my mind there are no higher stakes that could be at risk.

Sincerely and with much love,

F4W