What I was trying to tell you is to bare your soul as you will have to do with your wife if you want her to hear you. I bet you can give me a list of all your wife’s problems, why she reacts the way she does, and maybe even where in her FOO this comes from. I also bet she can do the same for you. What she will want to hear is your acknowledgement of what she sees and dislikes in you. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with this viewpoint, only that you acknowledge she sees it.
There are usually numerous grains of truth in what others see in us, even if they do not see or understand the whole picture. Since the both of you are lowering your defenses, now is the time to level with yourselves. Tell her something like (just an example here) “When I used to try to control you it was out of fear of you leaving and my being alone and unloved. I truly love you but this panic overcomes me. It is something I am trying to recognize and change.” I say this not to drag up all your FOO, but only as an example of how deep I think you will need to get before she senses sincerity. Remember, she knows you better than anyone else and knows your BS before it even comes out of your mouth (and you know hers). She will want to see you make yourself vulnerable first before she will do so.
But if you can level with each other on this level of honesty, you both might be able to see each other in a new light and move forward. You will also need to understand your vulnerabilities so you can try to control how you respond when she tries to push your buttons (at least as well as you can).
