I am trying to not tolerate the sexual hateful behavior, and have made strides in this area. I still backslide but I believe one of the reasons for her sudden "change" of heart is because I was very upfront with her about that specific point and stated I will not accept being treated that way. She would not tolerate it and nor will I.
Thanks again HD
Cobra,
This may be a mute point with the latest "revelation" in my marriage (see above link)
Very good questions. To answer you the first part of of why?
The relationship started as a blind date and that she was unhappy in her current ralationship with live in BF, which I have come to learn through sources they never had sex. She had recently moved back to town (hometown) from college and started a job where he worked at and was optimal for place to live and companionship. The other one I referred to was in her Frosh year in college 5-6 years prior. I learned of the through my BIL who was divorced by my W's sister (I can hear the Ah Ha's already).
I offered her a place to stay and the relationship was on and off for over a year as we sorted issues out. When I proposed we had been going well for over 6 months past our last issue and nothing was on the horizon.
What attracted me to her was her outgoing personality, vibrance, and ease to be with. This coupled with a physical attraction that goes without saying. She was not always "dysfuntional" as you state. But I agree with that diagnosis as of now.
We first starting seeing issues when she changed jobs from a subbordinate position to Administrative position and got a taste of power and stress. This was then compouded with the birth of our children and my job keeping late hours at that time and traveling. In that time is where she identified the detachnment from me. Yet we had two more children with me thinking the issues were normal marital issues.
The need she filled for me was friend, lover, companion. One that I trusted and valued her input into my life and problems. In the last 3 years I have come to realize she is no longer wanting to be that person. There was a void and instead of dealing with it maturly, I chose to be a child and pout, whine, and demand. These are since bad habits I am aware of and are disposing of but still have backslides.
As to how I impact the marriage, I will try and summarize and hope it is the ball park for what you ask. I am now the major bread winner. It was not always that way. She took that role for 6 years as I got my MA and upgraded jobs into an administrative role. I was not unemployed, but was making 20K less I am than I am now. I am the caretaker of the children for the majority of the time, my job affords me to get home at 4:00 each day while hers is until 5:30. She handles most logistcis and finances. I have time now to devote to the family and her, and in her terms that has never been the case and causes her to feel smothered. I am a "very good" helper and "doer" around the house. But enev in that I was not acknowledged and treated a co-parent of our children. These were all issues that I have come to grips with that previously led me to look upon my marriage in a poor light.
There has been great retrospective on my part on my dealings and behaviors in the marriage. Most of which I have put behind me and now work on improving other areas. As for most here, there is the need for the EC and Physical closeness that is lacking and she gives the standard LD reply (No offense meant to LD'rs) and if you look at Happy Giant's wife and her reactions and coping mechanisms, they are similar to my W's.
Thanks for listening.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
