Mama, You mentioned that you know that H will continue the A.
WOW, that's a BIG statement. Think about it. Explain.
Forever? Do you REALLY think he won't stop. Do you really think, in his rational, non-fog mind that he thinks it's OK to have this and lie? Do you really think that asking him to stop will be the only thing that makes him? Do you think that you asking will really work?
I know it's driving you nuts. Maybe a gentle R talk would be good. Bring it up gently, as others here stated. I know you're hurt and angry, but DO NOT GET ANGRY. Just gently, nicely express your pain over his dishonesty, he gets it.
On another front....you mentioned that H says things are getting better...but still wants to be in the M w/o sex, intimacy, like pals. Hmmm. Seems to me that focusing on the things that are still lacking in the M will kinda solve the A stuff.
This is where you are...YOU want to work on the M. YOU want the process to be: Quit your A; we will work on issues. You're feeling stuck on working on the M b/c of A. I agree, his being in the A is draining of his efforts in M.
Why not, IN ADDTION TO a talk, keep your efforts of trying to address the issues in the M outstanding...like the intimacy. Any new solutions? Can you both start talking about that? His feelings of it, your feelings of it, why it happened, etc? Even small talks? Then, you start taking some action in that direction?
I agree to set boundaries. BUT, don't get stuck on the A hurdle. It's NOT yours to jump. You just focus on you and the M. Of course, setting boundaries IS focusing on YOU.
This may sound rambling, but I hope it makes sense.
I'm kinda in the same boat as you....this is the route I'm taking. Don't know if I'll have success, but I did mention how I felt about A stuff to H and it sunk in, b/c he was ready and there himself. He knew all along. He knows it's not OK for the M or for me. Me demanding and asking or telling him what a good M is will not work for him....I know that. BUT, each of our S's are different, and you have to assess yours.
