I know DB'ing requires that we give our WAS space and for us to back off and lovingly detach BUT for how long? I don't want to give my H the green light to continue with the A because it is "ok" with me since I am putting up with it or I don't want him to think that he is fooling me and getting away with something, cause he is not fooling anybody.
He will definitely continue with the A, cause he can. Do I have to talk with him?
Okay, my .02 worth, and that may be all about what its worth.....but I don't think that detaching means "turning a blind eye." to the A.....just tempering your reactions to your H's actions. So if he is continuing the A, you can let him know that you do know it is continuing and that a monagamous, healty relationship doesn't include an OP. That doesn't mean ranting and raving about it, but being very direct and honest about how you feel about it. Nothing can be lost by being direct....it is not accusing nor judgemental.
I hope that makes sense........
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Mama, I agree that it's good to lovingly express your anger over his A. I don't believe that "loving anger" is an oxymoron, and you certainly shouldn't just try to hold all your anger in, because then it will eventually come out (at least for me it does), and not in a loving way.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Detach means your remove a emotional reaction to their reaction. You "leave the battlefield" You do not jump into the pit. It is very hard to do.
As to A. Yes you need to set boundaries that will define and validate you.
"H, I am in favor of us working at us and repairing this R. This cannot be done with OP in mix. Attentions get divided. You have free choice. With each choice is reward and consequence. If you chose to end A, then the reward is the repairing of our M. If you chose not to end affair, the consequence is that I am unable to stay in a non-monogamous relationship."
You did not metnion D or Sep, you stated you cannot stay. That may also mean you may chose to find someone that can appreciate you. Not that you would, but it will come out of their mouth.
F4W
Through honest giving of my love I will recieve 10 fold in return.
Just because a person does not love you in the way you want, does not mean they do not love you!
Mama, You mentioned that you know that H will continue the A.
WOW, that's a BIG statement. Think about it. Explain.
Forever? Do you REALLY think he won't stop. Do you really think, in his rational, non-fog mind that he thinks it's OK to have this and lie? Do you really think that asking him to stop will be the only thing that makes him? Do you think that you asking will really work?
I know it's driving you nuts. Maybe a gentle R talk would be good. Bring it up gently, as others here stated. I know you're hurt and angry, but DO NOT GET ANGRY. Just gently, nicely express your pain over his dishonesty, he gets it.
On another front....you mentioned that H says things are getting better...but still wants to be in the M w/o sex, intimacy, like pals. Hmmm. Seems to me that focusing on the things that are still lacking in the M will kinda solve the A stuff.
This is where you are...YOU want to work on the M. YOU want the process to be: Quit your A; we will work on issues. You're feeling stuck on working on the M b/c of A. I agree, his being in the A is draining of his efforts in M.
Why not, IN ADDTION TO a talk, keep your efforts of trying to address the issues in the M outstanding...like the intimacy. Any new solutions? Can you both start talking about that? His feelings of it, your feelings of it, why it happened, etc? Even small talks? Then, you start taking some action in that direction?
I agree to set boundaries. BUT, don't get stuck on the A hurdle. It's NOT yours to jump. You just focus on you and the M. Of course, setting boundaries IS focusing on YOU.
This may sound rambling, but I hope it makes sense.
I'm kinda in the same boat as you....this is the route I'm taking. Don't know if I'll have success, but I did mention how I felt about A stuff to H and it sunk in, b/c he was ready and there himself. He knew all along. He knows it's not OK for the M or for me. Me demanding and asking or telling him what a good M is will not work for him....I know that. BUT, each of our S's are different, and you have to assess yours.
Thank you all. Yes, I am angry but a calm angry if there is such a thing. I just don't want to do this anymore. If he wants her he is free to go. I don't really want to do this to my kids but I feel the situation as it is is really hurting them. Right now, they (as well as me) do not know when or if he is going to be here. If he was gone, then we all know that he is gone. I am so tired of the lies. He called 3 hours ago to say he was on his way home...what's up with that? Why call at all? Kids have friends sleeping over but I am going to have to confront him (if he comes home) and just tell him, I'm done. Wish me luck?
Ditto, TSO. I wish you the same. I wish you peace in the heart of you and your children.
Stay calm, state your case and leave. Remember, your words, body language, EVERYTHING has POWER. Use it wisely. Be clear, kind and firm. Above all, speak from your heart.
Be sure to ask him to do things you KNOW he can do....ex: can you ask him to stop the A? Or can you simply ask him the matter at hand tonight? "Hey, H, if you call to make a committment to ANYTHING, mean it, or don't bother calling at all--the kids are getting anxious." Maybe, you should ask him to speak to the kids instead of YOU making excuses and explaining.
