I struggle with boundaries and DB. I know OT and others say that they are not mutually exclusive but it seems like before all this started, we ALL thought our spouse having an affair was a boundary we had set that would, if crossed buy our spouses, cause an immediate end to our marriage. If not an end, than at least a suspension of it. I don't think any of us thought that we would be "DBing" and turning this into something that in the end WILL be positive for us personally. Hell, if you told me 4 months ago that I would think about this experience as "good" in ANY way, I would have called you crazy.
With all that said, you are truly free to set your boundaries wherever you like but realize that this affair was NOT something you were born to accept, it took months of hard work to "DB" and turn the attention to yourself and away from the A and your H.
Does it hurt like hell that he MAY have started up with her again? Sure it does, but realize too that you only know part of the story and may not believe the other part if he told you.
No matter what, I understand how you feel. I thought, as I read this post, how $hitty I would feel if my W full-on started back up with OM and what it would mean to me. I truly can't tell you. I suppose if I thought, as I do in my sitch, that I was really on the road to reconciliation and this happened to me, I would feel justified in figuring out just where things stood, or at least as much as W would tell me.
Your H keeps saying that it's not what you think. Well, what does HE think YOU think it is, and how does that differ from what it REALLY is? I wonder.
I hope more people will chime in. I just think above all else, give this the normal gestation time to make SURE you are doing out of thought and not emotion.
You are a strong woman and I think in the end, you WILL do what is right by this situation, I just don't know for SURE what that is.
Of course, I always react to my emotions, and my emotions are raw. I just want to ask him, "are you committed to our marriage and if you are, are you willing to do what it takes with me to improve it?" Take it from there...I know he'll say something like I think it is getting better, blah blah blah. How do I tell him that he needs to end the A? He needs to find ways to get his needs met BY ME.
I no longer want to be a doormat. I don't want him to think he can get some of his needs met by me and others met by her. He cannot have both, he needs to make a concrete decision.
I just reread the section in DR under infidelity, when your spouse refuses to stop seeing OP to try the "after the last-resort technique". It says to tell your spouse that you love them enough that you are prepared to let go, then back off completely. Don't spend time together, don't talk on the phone, don't do nice things together, don't allow your spouse to feel that there is a relationship between you any longer. Continue this emotional cutoff until your spouse gets the point that there will be no relationship of any sort until and unless OP is completely out of the picture.
Should I or could I do this? I don't think so, only because in every other way our lives together have improved that combined with the fact that he gave me roses and a card saying ILY yesterday - do I really want to rock the boat. Remember, he gave me nothing for my birthday in Jan. and nothing for our 12th anniversary on Valentine's Day.
Ugh....maybe I'll just start over again with the "last resort technique - stop pursuing behavior, GAL, wait and watch.
Sorry for the rambling, if anyone wants to add their 2 cents that would be great!
You are in a very similar (gee, you think) situation as I was in about a month ago. Things SEEM great but then the damn OP comes into the picture again and destroys all that "greatness" going on around you. I say that IF you were never flat out told that the A was over (BTW, doesn't he deny it still?) then all that happened was that you THOUGHT it was over and thus, you are reacting now to your idea being proven wrong, or so you think, by this money being taken out, etc.
I think you just need to look at your goals, look inside to see what strength you have left, and then start to figure out what to do. I AM sensitive to what you are going through but I also know that you have been doing this for too long to give up now.
I think this is one of those times when only YOU can make this decision because there are circumstances that only you fully know. I trust you will do the right thing.
Hey Mama, First, I'm so sorry. This is a real kick to the gut. I feel it for you. Ugh.
Now, before you decide which technique you want to use, or what your decision is, let's get a few things straight, first. I'm being direct, b/c I care.
*** YOU ARE IN CONTROL *** I know now you're feeling totally out of control, watching something slip away after weeks of good times. You want to run after it but can't and feel helpless. NOT TRUE. Get control back. You can do this in a number of ways. 1) Start doing things for YOU that increase your self-confidence and GAL, I mean it. Of course, you want to build a life, together, with H, but for now, concentrate on building a great one for YOU. I don't remember reading a lot about things you are doing on your own for you. 2) Let it go. No control. No expectations, no measuring. He's not your H, your friend. He's in a weird state. Let him go. You were doing really well with that, go back to that phase. Lovingly detached. Who cares what he does, for how long and with whom. You are better than all of this....find that fabulous woman and be her. She's smart, in control, funny, cheerful and just plain wonderful. She's not a panicked wreck. What are other things you can do to pull away from H's actions, etc. and get more control in your life. HOMEWORK: Today, I want you to think of ONE thing you will do towards this detachment and gaining control back. Stop asking WHY he's doing things and start thinking of YOU, and what you can do for you, to change, that will get you to the person you want to be, get your life in order, etc. You'll feel stronger.
*** YOU DO EARN MONEY *** You mention that you babysit during the day. BUT, you constantly make remarks that you are bound to H b/c you don't earn money. YOU DO. Maybe not a salary to let you stay afloat w/o H, but you do earn. Can you start thinking of 2 things....1) an income chart, how you spend the money and start putting a SMALL amoutn away. Not to leave H, but to give you a feeling of control back again. A sense of empowerment. Also, saving is a wise idea, overall. 2) Get creative with ways you can increase your business. This will distract you from the M mess and also make you feel great. Can you get more kids to sit? INcrease your rates? Do a small activity camp for kids during the summer? Or, if you sign your kids up for activities, why not work at the facility?
*** H IS NOT COMMITTED *** Has H ever said "I am committing myself to the M, I am not seeing OW anymore, etc?" I don't think so. He just says that things are better. That's what my H said for months, before I found about OW, always making me feel as if "ya know, this isn't working out, it's better but not great..." When I found about OW, he stated that he "didn't want to commit, knew if he did, he would have to cut everything out with FF's, OW, etc, and his whole second life...he wasn't ready, didn't feel right, blah, blah..." OK, fine. At least you know what needs to be done. You're not ready. Why bang my head against the wall. He continued to talk to OW, give her $ and stuff, see her, etc. It bothered me, but I just always told myself, and still do, that until I hear those words from him, I can't hold him to anything, and I can't worry about it, b/c at least he's not being dishonest and saying he's trying and not really. Your H isn't ready to work on the M, he still has issues, give him space. No ultimatum you deliver him now will make him stop. So, instead of controlling him and the A, take control back for YOU in your life. Working on your M is not a part of your life right now. Push the pause button on that one. How long do you wait, only you will know.
*** WORKING ON THE M IS NOT A PART OF LIFE NOW *** Detach. He's not ready to put himself into the M like you are. Stop talking R. Pull back a little. Make it known to him that you get things done without him, and don't miss it. If he comes at 2am, don't make a big deal of it, just flatly and cheerily ask how his night was, did he have fun. That way, you're NOT being a doormat and turning your head that he was out to have fun, but you're also not mad which says "I missed you, I need you." This drove my H CRAZY, he would get really quiet and I was being genuinely nice about his time as a friend. He couldn't hide and I was letting him know that I wasn't playing dumb, but wouldnt confront either...that I was being supportive and loving. If he offers with plans for the weekend, then go, have fun with the kids. If not, go about your business. Let him know of your weekend plans, like the communion, welcome him if he would like to join (cheerily...don't invite but welcome), and if he says no, then just do your thing, with a smile. If he won't join in the family stuff, don't sit around and wait. Go have your own fun. Take the kids out, etc. Talk about the fun you had with them.
Take it 1 step at a time. You can do this. You will know when/if the time is right...until then, go slowly and be deliberate with your actions.
You guys are just great!! Always, I will make a point to contact/call you today. I really enjoy your words of wisdom.
1. Communion. I asked him nicely if he wanted to go. He said no. I was fine with that and told him so. It was not like me to go by myself, but I did (180) and the kids and I had a great time with my family and friends.
2. I didn't even no that he came home Saturday night until I woke up on Sunday and he was in bed. I asked him what time did he get in and when he told me he said that he was sure that the doors would be bolted and was prepared to sleep in his car. I did not make an issue out of it, like I normally would have I DID say that I sure hope he doesn't start doing this again but it was not a demand so if he does there is not much I can do about it. He had a really bad hangover so I told him to go back to bed.
3. When he got up he was hungry and said he'd like to take us out to lunch. Had a nice time, talked about the party and updated him on everyone's life. When we got home he did yard work and I took the kids to the park. When we got back he said he missed us and was thinking of coming to look for us but didn't know which park we were at. The rest of the evening was nice.
I told my best friend (she is also my neighbor) about situation and she says, just sit back and observe. She has noticed how much his attitude has changed and how much more we are doing things together. She said it sucks, but don't bring anything up right now. Like you said, Always, I cannot CONTROL him or his actions. So I will just put info in a file folder in the back of my mind for now.
I love all the homework ideas you gave me. Great stuff, it will keep my mind off of things. Can you tell I obsess alot? You are right, my H is not committed to the M, at least not to the degree that I am. So I will lovingly detach. I definitely do not want to appear to him as the "PANICKED WOMEN" running after him. No Way! As far as babysitting, I am done as of June 7th. Therefore I need to find a new way to earn a little cash. Any ideas, since my 3 kids will be home for the summer? I AM a strong women, H even told me so a couple of weeks ago when he told me he didn't think I needed to continue couseling. I interpreted it as he thinks I am strong for putting up with his crap and having enough integrity to fight for my marriage.
I will once again, find the inner strength and patience to get thru yet another hurdle in my life.
Ok, I need some GAL ideas. I am a stay a home mom and since summer is fast approaching it will be dificult for me to leave kids to go to work or anything else for that matter. What are some GAL things I could do to get my mind of sitch while I still remain at home?
IMHO, GAL does not mean GAL without the kids. To me, it just means do things without H if he sees fit not to join you. Take the kids to the park, Chucky Cheeses, library, etc. I know it's not glamerous but I think so long as you are not pining for H and you are DOING something, you are ok.
Quote: I just reread the section in DR under infidelity, when your spouse refuses to stop seeing OP to try the "after the last-resort technique". It says to tell your spouse that you love them enough that you are prepared to let go, then back off completely. Don't spend time together, don't talk on the phone, don't do nice things together, don't allow your spouse to feel that there is a relationship between you any longer. Continue this emotional cutoff until your spouse gets the point that there will be no relationship of any sort until and unless OP is completely out of the picture.
Should I or could I do this?
Mama, I've tried this a couple of times, though the first time was never meant be permanent. The second time, I ended up taking her to the emergency room in extreme pain and couldn't help "loving her" there, and it seemed ridiculous to go back to no contact after all we shared that night.
It is easier to deal with life when you go completely dark. Ultimately, though, it amounts to telling the OW that she can have him and seeing if she screws it up. There's no question it's a huge risk, but it's not a bad option if you just don't feel that you can continue with life the way it is. Good luck.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
