Hey Mama, First, I'm so sorry. This is a real kick to the gut. I feel it for you. Ugh.
Now, before you decide which technique you want to use, or what your decision is, let's get a few things straight, first. I'm being direct, b/c I care.
*** YOU ARE IN CONTROL *** I know now you're feeling totally out of control, watching something slip away after weeks of good times. You want to run after it but can't and feel helpless. NOT TRUE. Get control back. You can do this in a number of ways. 1) Start doing things for YOU that increase your self-confidence and GAL, I mean it. Of course, you want to build a life, together, with H, but for now, concentrate on building a great one for YOU. I don't remember reading a lot about things you are doing on your own for you. 2) Let it go. No control. No expectations, no measuring. He's not your H, your friend. He's in a weird state. Let him go. You were doing really well with that, go back to that phase. Lovingly detached. Who cares what he does, for how long and with whom. You are better than all of this....find that fabulous woman and be her. She's smart, in control, funny, cheerful and just plain wonderful. She's not a panicked wreck. What are other things you can do to pull away from H's actions, etc. and get more control in your life. HOMEWORK: Today, I want you to think of ONE thing you will do towards this detachment and gaining control back. Stop asking WHY he's doing things and start thinking of YOU, and what you can do for you, to change, that will get you to the person you want to be, get your life in order, etc. You'll feel stronger.
*** YOU DO EARN MONEY *** You mention that you babysit during the day. BUT, you constantly make remarks that you are bound to H b/c you don't earn money. YOU DO. Maybe not a salary to let you stay afloat w/o H, but you do earn. Can you start thinking of 2 things....1) an income chart, how you spend the money and start putting a SMALL amoutn away. Not to leave H, but to give you a feeling of control back again. A sense of empowerment. Also, saving is a wise idea, overall. 2) Get creative with ways you can increase your business. This will distract you from the M mess and also make you feel great. Can you get more kids to sit? INcrease your rates? Do a small activity camp for kids during the summer? Or, if you sign your kids up for activities, why not work at the facility?
*** H IS NOT COMMITTED *** Has H ever said "I am committing myself to the M, I am not seeing OW anymore, etc?" I don't think so. He just says that things are better. That's what my H said for months, before I found about OW, always making me feel as if "ya know, this isn't working out, it's better but not great..." When I found about OW, he stated that he "didn't want to commit, knew if he did, he would have to cut everything out with FF's, OW, etc, and his whole second life...he wasn't ready, didn't feel right, blah, blah..." OK, fine. At least you know what needs to be done. You're not ready. Why bang my head against the wall. He continued to talk to OW, give her $ and stuff, see her, etc. It bothered me, but I just always told myself, and still do, that until I hear those words from him, I can't hold him to anything, and I can't worry about it, b/c at least he's not being dishonest and saying he's trying and not really. Your H isn't ready to work on the M, he still has issues, give him space. No ultimatum you deliver him now will make him stop. So, instead of controlling him and the A, take control back for YOU in your life. Working on your M is not a part of your life right now. Push the pause button on that one. How long do you wait, only you will know.
*** WORKING ON THE M IS NOT A PART OF LIFE NOW *** Detach. He's not ready to put himself into the M like you are. Stop talking R. Pull back a little. Make it known to him that you get things done without him, and don't miss it. If he comes at 2am, don't make a big deal of it, just flatly and cheerily ask how his night was, did he have fun. That way, you're NOT being a doormat and turning your head that he was out to have fun, but you're also not mad which says "I missed you, I need you." This drove my H CRAZY, he would get really quiet and I was being genuinely nice about his time as a friend. He couldn't hide and I was letting him know that I wasn't playing dumb, but wouldnt confront either...that I was being supportive and loving. If he offers with plans for the weekend, then go, have fun with the kids. If not, go about your business. Let him know of your weekend plans, like the communion, welcome him if he would like to join (cheerily...don't invite but welcome), and if he says no, then just do your thing, with a smile. If he won't join in the family stuff, don't sit around and wait. Go have your own fun. Take the kids out, etc. Talk about the fun you had with them.
Take it 1 step at a time. You can do this. You will know when/if the time is right...until then, go slowly and be deliberate with your actions.
