While cleaning out my desk I found something I printed off the internet way in the beginning of this nightmare. I obviously didn't follow it then but now after DB'ing for over 6 months it makes much more sense. I will briefly state the rules/tips here for myself and anyone else who may be in the same place mentally as me.
1. Stop doing whatever you've been doing so far that did not work. Even by just NOT doing whatever you've been doing before and not doing anything instead, you will produce positive results. It takes some thinking and practice to become aware of our actions, to catch ourselves in the act, to break the habit of being and living 'on automatic'. - (This is big for me, I have knee-jerk reactions to H's actions and words and mostly my own thoughts.)
A. You do not NEED your partner. Having a partner in your life is more of a want or a wish than what you really need. If you are going to insist that you need your partner, you will suffer. If you let go of your neediness, you will gain power.
B. You cannot change the past. Leave it where it belongs, in the past. Stop fixing the past, do not dwell in the past. What was done is done. If you really want tomorrow to be different than yesterday, you have to do something different today.
2. Reverse the process. Instead of disagreeing, agree. Instead of talking, listen. Validate whatever partner says. Just agree and shut up. Let go. What you resist it persists.
3. High spirits, cheerfulness and happiness are absoultely necessary. Do something nice for partner with no expectations in return. Show that you are happy with your life, that your happiness does not depend on partners actions or inactions. YOU DO NOT NEED THEM. Show it by being happy, they like you to be happy.
4. Do not talk about your relationship with your partner. Drop it. Your changed behaviour will result in his reconsidering staying in the relationship and wanting to have a good one too.
Anyway, for what it's worth.....hope it helps someone
