Always, this was a great post. Just what I needed tonight. I have for whatever reason, been feeling really sorry for myself today. Weepy this morning, angry a lot of the day, weepy again tonight. I just can't believe my H has left me. Back there again. My abandonment issues bubbling up. I always said my H & I were perfect for each other - I have issues w/ abandonment, and H has a tendency to withdraw and run.
But I am more powerful than all that. Your post gave me courage again. Because when I can connect to my compassion, I am strong as a lioness. I realize all the ways I did not understand or realize my H's sensitivities and vulnerabilities, and I too let my anger out at him in ways that he could not handle and that hurt him terribly. I think my H was trying to take care of me for a long time by "not leaving" and inside he was suffering and I didn't realize what he needed. I don't know if he ever will tell me (which is a great deal of my sadness today - I have had insights now, and I want him to care about them and find out about them - I want him to make it not "too late"). If that is ever going to occur, I must be very very patient (not my former strong suit). My sadness tonight is a loss of my usual PMA. I am feeling like he will "never" trust me or be close to me again, like he is gone forever. If somebody had a crystal ball and could tell me how it was all going to turn out, I sure would like it better. I notice the weekends are harder for me. Because if I see my H, I usually get to see him on the weekend. Last weekend, I spent the whole weekend with him. So this weekend feels like a big void because he is nowhere in my space. I will have to work on planning more activities for myself on the weekends with people I love. If I am truly going to be compassionate, and not a needy selfish LBS who only cares about what I had planned for my life, well then I better get a handle on this. I pray every day that I can work it out, inside myself, to truly love my H unconditionally. And, I don't know right now if I can do it. Sometimes I have the understanding and compassion, and sometimes I don't. But I want to. So I will keep plugging away with my DBing efforts. Thanks to all of you.
Mama, I hope this was applicable in some way to you, and wasn't a hijack of your thread...
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
