Hey Mama! WOW, glad I read your stuff today. Your post about MLC and other stuff describes my H perfectly...in fact, they are things I've documented for months now.
I've always known my H was sensitive...he's usually not the stoic type, just now b/c of my anger reactions to him opening up about our M. I believe that our marital problems were a trigger for a chain reaction that he's susceptible to, like the MLC pattern. He had the same symptoms in reaction to the trigger of his last job, and his issues in childhood. I'm not taking the blame off my shoulders, but it's good to realize that due to self-esteem issues, and childhood issues, guilt, etc., it's hard for H to cope with things in another way.
I admit, I have the tendency to "escape" conflict or depression too, but not with my M. We both bury our heads about things, but different things, which is I guess the reason why we keep each other afloat. Funny, in our early M years, H actually was the one to come and discuss problems, solutions.
Now that I think back, that was a time when he was confident, on top of the world, feeling lucky and good about himself. His M and career were great. Once that was taken away, he fell. Of course, BOTH fell apart at once...I wonder what would have happened if our M was stronger during his career troubles?
My solution....same as PL and others. You can't fix it for him. It's his to own, or it keeps coming back. I guess what I'm trying to do is recognize these things. There were things in life that made him feel low about himself, feel victimized, abused. As a friend stated, these are his vulnerabilities, the child in him....as I have mine. It's my job to take care of these, and to not trigger them with my selfish behavior and to try, as I would with any friend, to do my part in increasing those areas (self-esteem, etc). I can't solve it, but I can also say that looking back, I definately did a LOT to damage it further. There was a time when I made him feel like a million bucks, then I turned it around and made him feel like trash.
Also, knowing that the MLC "escape pattern" is something that they tend to...it's wise, when things are back on track and feeling close, to approach H and tell him that there's a pattern (in a non-embarrassing way) and to make him feel safe to come to you and talk instead of the pattern of running away. Also, you keep your radar up, if you sense a stressful time in life for H, or things that trigger the characteristics you listed, make sure you extend your friendship extra and are a safety.
I don't think this is being smothering, solving. It's being a kind caretaker (not in an obligatory way, either). It's watching out for someone you love. It's taking care of something fragile in them, as they would in us.
If I think back, there are many "fragile vulnerabilities" in me that H took care of....my issues from childhood, my need to find independence, find my voice, etc. I guess you do that for each other.
This is a good discussion. It turns the tables around from feeling "why is he doing this to me" and "I need more" to "this is my H--the good, the imperfections" and maybe brings LBS's to a ground of compassion and understanding. In a way, it's a level of understanding I never had before, for anyone...perhaps it took this pain for me to get there.
Sorry for the rambling post. I also agree with others about the P part of the M. Just be patient. I think it's his way of expressing the pain that you quoted in your MLC post. It's bubbling up through these comments and feelings. It's his way of saying that you really hurt him, he's drawing boundaries. So, in a way, it's good. At least he's not shoving it down, dealing with it and being depressed and miserable.
I say this b/c there are a lot of times I say dramatic things when I'm hurt as well. It's not what I really mean, when I think of it later, but rather a baramoter of how I'm feeling, in pain, overwhelmed, mad. I think it's what we do when we don't know a more constructive way of expressing our emotions.
Ex: just recently when H asked if I could deal with his infidelity...I said I was confused and didn't know. Maybe this isn't right. Did I mean that? Do I want a D? Deep down, no. But it was my way of saying: I can forgive you, I can see the logic behind this, but I'm in tremendous pain and that will take a while to go away. I am hurt and angry over what you did. I don't know where to start to fix this while in pain.
