The platonic R continues

[PositivelyListening]

Oh, Mama, I wish I knew the perfect answer to your question! My H has most of these symptoms - works 70 hours or more per week, in the midst of an A (which is long-distance and therefore still very isolating), has cut off contact from most of the people in his life. Thank God he is not drawn to substance abuse. Being that we are now separated, it seems to me the only thing I can do right now is be loving, kind and understanding when I do see him so that he begins to trust me again. I believe he fully expected that his A would be a "last straw" for me, as he was feeling so low about himself, his accomplishments in his life so far, his S12 and the circumstances around his S12 which are messed up, and a host of other things. He has issues from his childhood, including abuse, so all the components are there. I have tried a few things that have worked out, and a few that have not. He didn't want to go to MC anymore. I would have liked to see him pick up on IC at that point, but no interest as would be expected. He said he was going to pursue personal coaching with an old friend and former coach, but did not follow through. I am currently in the process of negotiating having us work together with a new coach, who does business and life coaching. I think he finds the idea of coaching less threatening (less like there is something wrong here) since people use them to improve business too, and I think it will still have some good effect. Also, we see a nutritionist for herbal supplements, and recently she switched his supplements to a product that is geared towards male depression and mid-life changes. It has, among other things, St. John's Wort, which is a depression reliever. I buy him vitamins and minerals and supplements anyway (vit B is really important for stress and depression) and these things he accepts from me and takes. The new one he has been taking only a week, but I did see some "more upbeat" behavior during the past week so I am hopeful this might be helpful.

It seems there is no way to do anything without your partners consent, and to have consent they must trust you. The only time when this is not true, is when they are a danger to themselves or others, and then you can forcibly hospitalize them and then the chances are slim if you are in that situation, that they will ever trust you again. And isn't it also arrogant of us to think that we know better? And yet, as a person on the outside, we can often see things that a person just living each day can't see for themselves. That's the whole point of having people you trust in your life - so we can look out for each other.

My mom had Alzheimer's and she pulled away and isolated too and it was really tough as they have to be in really bad shape before the law will take their personal rights away. I did eventually get her hospatilized, and the hospital and doctors became the bad guys, and I became her "rescuer" who took her home from them, so eventually I got the trust to care for her as was needed.

But with our H's, they are not "impaired" according to cultural definition. They are still functioing out there. They are just not the best they can be. All I can say is that there is a delicate balance between love, compassion, and caring and the smother-mother, know-it-all, unwanted helper which drives them further away. I think there has to be trust first or the message doesn't land. So having trust in the relationship, being respectful and kind, and not giving up are the 3 keys I think. Oh, and patience, of course