Ok, I was cruising the Midlife crisis thread and found some interesting facts that I will repost here courtesy of Newman:
He feels ‘‘condemned'' To Life in his Secret Midlife Crisis.
HOW can a man who has ''got it all'' -- a top job, financial security, a loving wife and children -- become depressed? ''The sunshine means nothing to you at all,''. ''The seasons, friends, good food mean nothing. All you focus on is yourself and how bad you feel.'' (Mike Wallace)
''In severe depression, the entire body and spirit of a person is in a state of shipwreck, of desolate lostness,” (Pulitzer Prize-winning author, William Styron)
Terrence Real, a psychotherapist in Cambridge, Mass., says: ''There's been a cultural collusion about hiding men's depression. Men are reluctant to acknowledge it, those around men are reluctant to acknowledge it because there's a stricture that says depression is unmanly.'' It is time to break the conspiracy of silence.
How Men Express Depression in Midlife
Rather than showing classic signs of acute depression, like severe lethargy, loss of appetite and inability to concentrate, the great majority of depressed men express their distress in covert ways, for example, by being angry or irritable, self-medicating, withdrawing from loved ones or acting irresponsibly. ''Depressed women have pain; depressed men have troubles. They're not in pain but the people around them are in pain.''
Men do experience depression differently from women. Women tend to ruminate and dwell on things, whereas men are more likely to take action to distract themselves, forcing the depression underneath.
Research shows that women usually internalize distress, while men externalize it. Depressed women are more likely to talk about their problem and reach out for help; depressed men often have less tolerance for internal pain and turn to some action or substance for relief.
Male depression isn't as obvious as the defenses men use to run from it. First, men attempt to escape pain by overusing alcohol or drugs, working excessively or seeking extramarital affairs. They go into isolation, withdrawing from loved ones. And they may lash out, becoming irritable or violent.
The causes of depression differ in men and women, as well. While depressed women often feel disempowered, depressed men feel disconnected, from their needs and from others. This begins in childhood, as society teaches boys early on to pull away from their mothers, their emotions and their vulnerabilities.
When men internalize their hurt into covert depression they engage in destructive addictive behaviors - from classic alcohol and drug dependence to affairs outside the marriage to workaholism to neglecting or abusing their own children. Typically, they are incapable of making the emotional investment necessary to sustain a lasting loving relationship, either with their wife or kids.
These are not the type of people who turn up for therapy on their own volition. They are there because they have to be - because the courts have sent them or because their wife has delivered an ultimatum. In many ways they are the lucky ones, because there is someone there to catch them, before or during the inevitable transition from covert to "overt" depression.
Men with Covert Depression continue these top three signals: 1) self-medication to enliven dead feelings by drinking, drugging, womanizing, burying themselves in work, overeating or overspending; 2) radical isolation, a pulling away from relationships, intimacy, from life itself, and 3) lashing out, which runs the gamut from increased irritability to domestic abuse and violence.''
How to lift the cloud and rid the fog
Many men try to hide their condition, thinking it unmanly to act moody. And it works: National studies suggest that doctors miss the diagnosis in men a full 70% of the time. But male depression also stays hidden because men tend to express depression differently than women do.
Men, if you wish to lift the cloud of male depression then the first step is to stop masking the depression with addictive or aggressive behaviors and ''allow the pain that is driving the behavior to surface.'' Only then can a more constructive approach to life and loved ones be formulated.
Reconnection is key. Treatment first requires resolving the violent or self-medicating behaviors--the affair, the drinking, the workaholism--so that the underlying condition can be grappled with. But the ultimate cure lies in reestablishing connection. The ideal of male stoicism and the ensuing isolation lie at the root of male depression. Intimacy is its most lasting solution.
Next, involve a series (usually weekly) of one-on-one conversations with a therapist --psychologist, social worker or pastoral counselor -- or marital or family counseling.
Finally, “Do the behavior first and let the feelings follow -- fake it until you make it” depression in men is often alleviated if men ''force themselves to be as relational as they can be rather than isolating themselves. Do the dishes, help the kids with their homework.'' (Terrence Real)
Also picked this up which describes my H to a T:
They have low self esteem. They are very unhappy inside. They are very angry inside. They have a low self image. They have suppressed their inner feelings for many years. The seeds for MLC were planted in childhood. They feel as if they have been controlled their whole life. They feel their feeling were never validated. They have feelings of being inadequate or not good enough. They feel that during childhood they did not receive nurturing or a special love from their parents. They have feelings of rejection and abandonment that haunt them from childhood.
Now that I understand what my H is going thru with a little more clarity the million dollar question is how do I help him get thru this?
