Quote: I agree with GH, it really does come down to recognizing what your H's LL is and building it up.
I guess that's what we are expecting, that our W's will DO that and they simply are not either the kind of people who will do it, or they are not at a place where they can/will. Whatever the case, it comes down to wanting to fulfill the needs of your partner and I feel like no matter HOW bad it's gotten in our M, and I guess I didn't know how bad it was, my issues/mistakes were born of ignorance than lack of caring. I always tried to meet my W's needs but my error was in not understanding what those needs were and instead offering "love" the same way I wanted to receive it. Only since all this began did I understand that. Now that I do, I see that W MAY be thinking she's meeting my needs by keeping the house clean, paying the bills and taking care of the kids, but those are more about HER needs than mine.
Like Rob said, I just wish she would put out a 10th of the effort to discover what makes me tick as I have recently in respect to her, and then act on that. Once again, I feel like I have a hybrid love motor that needs gas (her showing a LITTLE bit of love) to get me going and then I am good to run on my own internal power until the next time I need a little start up again. Is that too much to ask for?
Man, it is truly scary to see you put into words exactly what I am thinking, lol
Quote: Like Rob said, I just wish she would put out a 10th of the effort to discover what makes me tick as I have recently in respect to her, and then act on that. Once again, I feel like I have a hybrid love motor that needs gas (her showing a LITTLE bit of love) to get me going and then I am good to run on my own internal power until the next time I need a little start up again. Is that too much to ask for?
No, it is not too much to ask for. The problem is timing in asking. First off, remember, any positive changes you make with regard to your R can only effectuate positive changes on her behalf. DR and DB principles still apply. You have to establish goals and work towards them in a methodical manner.
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
Ok, I think I've been hijacked. Anyway, I do think that I have been showing love. I have initiated hugs as well as a few kisses (only one has been on the mouth) but I just don't think he is ready to go any farther. I don't know, again I am just mind reading. I think I may have to find the right time and just come out and ask him if he would be interested in being intimate sometime in the near future. Any help on how my conversation should go would be appreciated as I do not want to come across as pushy or needy.
Well Mama, sorry for the hijack. I think you need to think about having that conversation. I am thinking about it a lot but don't know if or when I will do it. My W is sick right now so I don't want to get into that heavy a convo with her.
I think mind reading is generally bad and we are doing too much of it. Maybe we ought to try the direct approach.
I can only tell you what I did--but it was a different sitch, though. First there was flirting, then sex was mentioned jokingly, then talked about seriously when the timing was good--no stress, no expectations, relaxed quiet time. At the time, it worked. It worked right up until the point that I think he got scared--maybe it was too much too soon. It was a pretty intense week or so.
So, maybe set the stage, approach it gradually, then wait for a good quiet time to broach it seriously. I kept it light, even when it was serious. I think there was some random, joking sexual reference, and then I think I may have said something along the lines of, "Sweetie, I'm ready when you are," and then dropped it. I let him take it from there.
And if it should happen, don't do like I did and let the neediness show through.
Yes, mind reading is bad. I think that could be how we all ended up here. Me, you and our spouses all did a little mind reading and instead of being straight forward we all went about our lives thinking we knew everything when in fact we knew nothing. Our WAS's felt unloved, unappreciated and unfulfilled and looked elsewhere because they thought we didn't care. We thought everything was ok, not great, but ok. Then the bombs dropped. If only we all knew how to communicate with eachother. Instead there is a lot of pain and heartbreak. The what if's.....if only's....Well we cannot go back and change the past. What we can do is control the here and now and the future. I don't want to be a mind reader and I don't want to assume that my H knows what I want either. We must find a nonconfrontational way to let our S's know our feelings. No strings attached, no expectations. Just this is what we are thinking and feeling and this is what we would like in our R. End of story. Now the ball is in their court. If we are fortunate enough they will do the same for us. Now we are on an even playing field. I know what you want and you know what I want. Doesn't that make sense? Now, to convey this message to my H.....
Quote: I know what you want and you know what I want. Doesn't that make sense? Now, to convey this message to my H.....
"H, I really want you to know how passionate I am towards you and how much I want to share intimacy with you, from snuggling on the couch to great sex. I want it all and I want it with you. I know we have had our problems in this area and I want to work on those so that we don't have the SAME marriage we had before. I want all that but I want to know that you are ready for it so I think I need to tell you these things. Even so, I am confused about what to do next. I am afraid that even telling you this will seem like pressure and that's not what this is about. It's about me telling you how I feel so that I am sure none of my actions or words are misunderstood because sometimes I need to do things for me that may seem contradictory to these desires of mine. I hope you understand that these are things I WANT, not need from you. I hope we can have this in the future and if you want to tell me your wants and needs, I would be glad to listen with an open mind."
Ok, that is something like what you could say but does that sound needy? What I struggle with is how to be passionate and yet not be needy. I guess I equate passion with need on some level. To want something so much but NOT need it on some level is a somewhat foreign concept to me.
GH & Mama: I also equate passion with need on some level, and I think that was part of the problem. I handled it (and am handling it) by being clear about my wants/desires but making it clear at the same time that it was his choice. Last night he came to me again, so maybe it's working??
You know, you may have something there. I don't know if this is what you meant but now I am thinking that my W MUST know I want her because of all that I say or do but then again, she may be thinking the same thing though NEITHER of us have ever just come out and said what we want. Maybe if Mama and I just come out and tell our spouses what we want, we may be surprised to find out that they either had no idea or were just as confused as we are. Thanks for that, even if it's not what you meant.
It is. In other words: "H, I want you. I'd like to sleep with you. I'd even like to make love to you if you're game. I don't know if you are ready for that or not, but when you are ready, I'm here..." (Optional: Is right now a bad time? )
