Ok, Grasshopper has left the building...I'm going to have to make it on my own...

Anyway, H called and said he wasn't coming straight home from work. Don't forget I babysit and I really wouldn't want ot come home to all these kids either, but right away my emotions get the best of me. I start to think that he is with the OW. Yada, yada, yada....my brain goes into overdrive. I call a new couselour, I look up divorce laws in my state, I am a crazy women. I can't do this anymore.

I try to calm myself down. In the meantime, he comes home when the kids are supposed to be picked up. Their father is late so therefore he is in a mood. (he feels these people take total advantage of my niceness) Anyway, he goes roller blading with our 2 daughters. They come back and babysitting kids and their father are still here - car trouble. When they finally leave, I find my H out back and ask him what is wrong - nothing. I sit with him. He is very quiet. I again ask him what is bothering him. Nothing. I then tell him that I found new couselors and am waiting to hear back on when I can see them. He tells me I over analyze things - NOTHING is wrong with me, sure I have issues from my childhood but the past is the past, you can't change things. I tell him I also have issues with our R - he tells me nothing is wrong with me, that I have NO issues. I am a great wife, mother and and VERY strong person for all that I have put up with and dealt with. Alot of other people could not be as strong as I have been. He tells me I can go to counseling but doesn't think I need it. I say I want to be able to control my emotions, he says why? He goes on to say he knows he has issues from his childhood and past, but you can't go back. He said he knows what he wants and needs. I don't know verbatim how our conversation went but I'm close. I knew something was bothering him but didn't want to pressure. A U2 song came on "stuck in the moment but you can't get out of it"- we know this song well as Bono actually wrote this about Michael Hutchence, the lead singer of INXS, another of our favorite groups. I asked is that how you feel. He said he felt exactly the opposite, He wasn't stuck and he could get out of it. Then I said are you talking about us and he said absolutely not, it has to do with someone at work - now, I assume that someone is the OW. I asked "do you want to stay married?" and he said, absolutely! He told me that I analyze things too much. He said things will work out in time by themselves. I said I want so much more from our R and he said he did too but he was not quite there yet.
Anyway, it looks like he might have realized that the grass is not greener. Our grass is greeen with a few dandelions and some clover but it can be corrected.

I feel I did good tonight. I did not pressure him at all. He did say that something was "bittersweet" but would not elaborate on what. I am assuming maybe the end of the R with the OW. In any case I was supportive and loving and the night ended on a positive note. We will see what tommorrow brings.

P.S. So sorry for the rambling.... but it makes me feel good to get it out.