Really you are coming up against that crappy realization that we are usually far beyond our spouses in figuring out all the "psycho" stuff. It's hard when we get to the point where we are trying to work all this out and they are still stuck in that mode where they are either looking to us for their happiness or being pulled down by our moods. Of course WE have just spend weeks/months/years trying to learn NOT to do those things and yet those very things are threatening to harm out new relationship. The fact is that while WE have changed, it's likely that they have not, or at least changed in the way they approach their own happiness.
I think when they pursue the A, they fully realize that they need to be happy, aren't in the M, and for whatever reason, know that this will "make them happy". On one hand, they ARE taking steps to ensure their own happiness, but on the other hand they are still putting their eggs into someone else's' basket. When they return to us, I think they feel like doing so means giving up that "selfish" idea of their own happiness and also their responsibility to ensure it.
Enter our moods, anger, whatever. They see this and then all of a sudden remember how they didn't like the M before. They begin to resent the R, us and their decision rather than realizing that our negative emotions should NOT necessarily cause them to feel bad.
This is all EXTREME psychoanalysis but I am just saying that it seems like your H needs a little work on understanding the woman in his life and her need to vent sometimes without him "fixing" her or being pulled down by her. He needs to understand your need for his strength, validation and support. Unfortunately, those are taught in LBS 202 and I don't even know if they are courses offered in the school of WAS...lol.
