Erin, you hit on something that I don't articulate NEARLY enough and may not have even been that conscious of until reading that last post.
Quote: You will know when he is done with her, because he will change with you - in particular, goal #2 will come to fruition.
This is exactly how I have avoided snooping in my sitch. I figured she would change her ways towards me when the OM was going, going, going, gone, and it happened. Thank you for saying the obvious.
Look Mama, lies are lies but I realize that we have to accept SO much grey area in all this. Hell, most of us USED to think that cheating was a black/white issue. Either you were pure evil and you cheated or you were a good, committed partner and did not. We now know it's a little more complex. That's why I can say that I agree with Erin. You snoop to back up his claims that things are "over" between them. I submit that he may lie and tell you this or that, but instead of his intent being to deceive you in order to continue the affair, he may be lying to spare you unnecessary grief over something that will LOOK like something it's not. Am I saying it's ok for him to lie? Hell no, but like the A itself, I think telling lies about the sitch is something they have to ween off of slowly. I think that in this case, or in my case, intent plays a part in how I view this.
I think that as we repair our M's, there is actually MORE incentive for them to lie considering they now have this rebuilding process at stake on top of all the other deeper seeded reasons they cultivated over the time of the A. They now care about our feelings again and they probably feel that being open and honest about, say, calling the OW to tell her to f-off is not something that would go over well, so they just don't tell us or lie. Shades of grey for sure.
In the end, to move forward with our R's, they will HAVE to start to be open and honest. For now, I accept that, say, if OM calls W, she may not tell me. I don't like it, but I am not going to snoop to find out if he did. What does that solve? NOW, if I notice my W seeming to change her behavior again and going back to doing/saying the same things she did when the A was still going, then maybe I feel the pressure to do that. I'll admit to feeling that pressure last night when she went to "girls night out". I resisted because she already told me he still tries to call all the time. Looking on her phone would only confirm that.
In your case Mama, you said they work together. Eventually either you will have to accept that they have contact, she will have to get another job OR he will have to get another job.
Sorry to go off on a tangent based on a tiny part of your post. Blame it on Erin.
