H came home late again, around 7:30 - drunk. again. Says he only wanted to stop for 1, yada, yada, yada. The sad thing is that not only was it good friday and the kids were home from school but it was 82 degrees - in Chicago in April! The kids and I played outside all day. We had a fire going in the chiminea when he got home and the kids were playing softball. Total Norman Rockwell. Can't he see what he is missing?
We talked a little about our finances and he started getting down on himself saying what a loser he was that can't support his family (part of his self hatred showing thru). I tried to tell him he was not a loser and that lots of people have $ problems.
When he went to bed I gave him a hug and told him not to worry that we would work things out - then he kissed me - on the lips! It sure felt good but it probably didn't mean anything so I didn't read anything into it.
Later when I came upstairs to go to bed he was up, I very calmly told him that things had to change. I want my family to be happy and right now no one is. I told him that if he wanted to leave I would not hold him back. We could work things out financially and with the kids that would be beneficial to both of us. I told him that I loved him and that I wanted to feel love back and that if he couldn't give that to me I understood. He kept telling me "its not what you think" regarding OW, and he doesn't want to leave. He kept telling me to lie down and sleep in our bed - again. I will not do this when he is involved with someone else. I asked him if he could please come straight home from work today, he said he would - but he always says that.
Bottom line, I have been really feeling like a doormat. I do not deserve this treatment - from anybody! I have been basically a "single" mom for so long now I guess I am starting to get used to it. So I know that I can do it. I am so torn up inside and want this to end - one way or another
