Journaling.... I have been locked out for a while. Didn't know I needed to start a new thread. Anyway...It has been 1 week with absolutely no R talks from me. I have pretty much been going about my day not thinking about my situation. My H continues to lie to me on a daily basis and does not come straight home from work. He'll call me at 3:30 and say he should be home in 1/2 hr (as he did yesterday), then doesn't actually get home until 6:00, drunk. I don't ask where he was nor do I really care at this point. He has told me a couple of times this week that I could sleep back in our room. Frankly, I do not want to. I do not want to share a bed with a man that is probably still involved with OW and really does nothing to make me think that he wants to work on our marriage.
These are some thoughts that I have written down and try to live by now: * I make sure my H feels loved, accepted and appreciated just the way he is. * I have, in my own mind, given him his freedom. I have let go.
Hanging on destroys my mental well being. I have become consumed by fear and upset. I have tunnel vision and in reality am making the situaion worse.
For my own sanity, I have let him go. It is a state of mind and has nothing to do with my actions. In my heart I am willing for him to go, but in my actions I am doing everything I can to create an environment where he feels loved and appreciated so he would never want to leave.
I was really just hanging on to our old R because I wanted to avoid the hurt. I don't want to fail. I was already divorced once before and don't want to look bad in the eyes of my friends and family. Actually, I don't care what anyone thinks of me. I am a good person, a good friend and most importantly a good Mom. I will do everything I can for my kids not to feel the hurt and pain that I feel. They love their father, although are confused by his actions. I will act as a buffer, I will validate their feelings but try to give them hope and encouragement by my words and actions.
