As per my H's past behavior yes you could say he is full of [censored]. But more then anything he was controlling and manipulating me with his threats. Which has been a pattern throughout the course of our relationship. He no longer can play that trumph card any longer. I have flat out told him that from now on threats of self injury are meaningless words to me. So in the future he has only two options to actually inflict the injury on himself or me. Or to control his behavior. I will be mentally prepared for the second.
I have been calling him out for his yelling and cussing at me for months. It has had some effect. Like I said he has been controlling his behavior to a degree. What I am left with is the residual effects of 15 years of this behavior and how it has effected the way I view this man. These are the things I was seeking time to sort through and rebuild from what good there is. But unfortunately H does not see our relationship as I do leaving it difficult to be on the same page.
As he starts to screams, just detach,
I have done this for so long I am detached at all times. Hence my inability to feel any type of EC with my H. And all my efforts to understand him and myself in a effort to reattach in some mannor.
I am sure he will say you don’t do enough for him, you control the kids, the family, blah, blah, blah. The irony is that you feel the same way!
Actually no I cannot say the same thing. My H tries to do things for me as in acts of services on a fairly regular basis. He makes me tea he will let me sleep in and gets the kids up for school ect. But the damage from his controlling nature over my individuality and his angry outburst and nasty attitude over rides what effect those acts of service have on me.
Does your H also have a troubled past that causes him to be so insecure?
Other then the fact his mother favored his older brother I do not know of anything that would cause him to be insecure.
I know you don’t react violently as he does
Actually there was a time that I had started to act out violently. It was part of my falling apart stage. I held things in and was so angry that my frustration started raging out of control. But once I realized the effect it was having on everyone around me it was like being slapped in the face with a icy towel and I modified my behavior. And went back to detatching from any overstressing situations. Which is now one of my biggest down falls and part of my depressive state. I want to sleep through it all and not deal with it. I am trying very hard to get out of this mind set but it is hard I become so tired so easy.
Re-enmesh with your H. He is dependent on you for his sense of security, for his sense of purpose and who knows what else.
I don't want to re-enmesh with my H. I don't want to control these things in my H. My H views me as his world. That is to large of a burden for a individual to carry the total responsiblity of anothers universe. Even if we were to work things out. His obsessive compulsive behavior for me is alot of what has brought us where we are. He has enmeshed so much of him in me he thinks we are to be one. This is another part of my depression. I am Chrissy not Richard nor do I want to be Richard I want to be allowed to be Chrissy.
Let me ask you Chrissy, have you read Schnarch
No but with all the talk of this book on the board I plan on it. Just gotta make it down to the local lib when it is in. I am on a waitting list.
But you two are your own worse enemy
I agree. But we are also each others greatest enemies.
Fear does not play into that statement. I really don't fear my H in the bedroom. But my lack of respect for him and negative feelings towards our relationship and the lack of emotional connnection outside the bedroom does not leave me in a place that I desire him in the bedroom.
We fear disturbing the comfort zone or upsetting the apple cart.
I experience these types of fears also. Not just for fear of his angry outburst. But again I state this has been my life for so long it is just life to me. And any varient from it can still bring along the fear of change feelings most people have.
Let me tell you your post to Cobra blew me away. I myself would not have been able to state specifics from my past thread with such accurate dates and structures. I know we have discussed a lot of things in the past but which aspect on which thread I am not really sure. Thank you.
You responded just fine. The underlying chance of physical fear does not invalidate anything you have said. If I were in a situation that my H physically abused me on a daily or regular basis maybe what people have said would not apply. My H's abuse lies more within the realm of verbal abuse control and manipulations and threatening behavior. The only times it has turned physical is when I attempt to leave and then only if my H's other control tatics dont seem to be working. So most peoples replies still apply to my sitch.
I am sorry your H speaks to you meanly. To me verbal abuse is so much harder to overcome then actual physical abuse. My first H was very physically abusive (leave it to me to attract all of the nut cases). His blows never hurt as much as his words did. Nor did the effects of them last as long as the effects of his words.
Therefore, I have to deal with a certain level of fear when I bring up these issues also.
That sucks. Seems like a person should be able to talk about anything with there spouses of all people without having to fear them or there behaviors.
However, I must add that if I really thought that he would hurt me physically, I would choose to leave the relationship rather than try to fix it.
That is my catch 22. The only time I really have to fear my H is if I try to leave him. Desperate people do desperate things.
I don't know if I believe anymore my H would carry through any form of self injury. But I do believe in a rage he may hurt me. And God knows if you saw his muscles one blow might be enough and I am not going to push it.
I am going to try to file my seperation papers with the court myself if it is allowable in this state. I may come seek you out for some translation on all that legal wordage if you don't mind lol.
Chrissy: You poor thing...actually stooping to asking a government attorney in Missouri for advice on a North Carolina divorce/separation. Seriously, I doubt I could help much on this. If you're worried about costs, you might want to check to see if there is legal aid in your area, or, better yet, a women's shelter with all of the associated help it can provide.
However, if you want some basic "uh, yeah, that's a Latin phrase that means 'always wear underwear'" type of advice, I'd be happy to give it to you.
Chrissy I wish I had words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to say I am thinking of you and wish you a happy resolution to this situation, no matter what that happens to be. It sounds like you are getting stronger in many ways and no longer in a state of learned helplessness. So that is progress. Keep building on that strength. You DO NOT deserve to be treated this way. Whether it is verbal or physical abuse, it doesn't matter. If he sees nothing wrong with your M other than not enough sex, YOU need to make a choice. I think HD encouraged you to seek some counseling from a battered woman's shelter. That sounds like a smart idea. Also clue the police in on what is happening now and that you are fearful of him becoming violent if you choose to leave. You are in my thoughts.
I don't know how much it helps, but I'm sending you all the mental strength I can right now. I know what you are facing is tough, you are in my thoughts and prayers regularly.
I agree that Chrissy needs to be careful. I am assuming she feels comfortable enough to stay in the house and not have a fear of injury, which I guess I should have stated in my post. If he ever gets the least bit violent, I think she does need to get the police involved, whether he actually strikes her or not. A restraining order makes sense. Yes, she needs to play it conservative, just in case.
What I am saying is if she thinks it is safe enough to stay, then this guy is bluff. If he is too dangerous to risk a bluff, then we don’t need to have this conversation at all. She needs to just get out.
She is scared which is just what he wants. As she says, he only gets threatening if she tries to leave the marriage. That tells me he really does not want to hurt her but scare her into staying. Chrissy, I’m glad to hear that you have taken a stand against him. Things could actually be worse if you hadn’t. But you know this is a fine line, in stopping him from going too far versus not pushing back too hard and risking him explode. No one can live under that pressure. But if you choose to do so, then I think you’ve got to find a way to get your message across.
I think you are doing the right thing in searching for a lawyer even if you don’t get divorced. You still need to know your options. If I were you, I’d think twice about using public lawyers, unless you think this might be enough to wake him up. Otherwise go find the best around. Can you put the legal fees on a credit card? Worry about the money later. Your H will have to pay half of it anyway.
Yeah its wierd because when I read your first post as I stated you could have been my H talking.
Nothing you say can make my sitch harder. I really do not feel in such a bad place. I just am at a place where I do not see a point in continuing to try to fix something my H does not feel is broken. It is sort of counter productive and like swimming in quick sand from my point of view.
I wish you better luck in fixing your sitch then I have had in mine. But I firmly believe if both people are not on board and working on the same goal it is sort of a dead end situation. And we either settle for how things are or we go about changing them in other mannors.
Where your wife is asking for space I was asking for time in heal from some of the bad. Space is so wide open and the reason for it is what? What does she mean by space. Do you stifle her individuality Are you completely insecure leading you to be overly jealous and controlling?. What does she need space from does she even know. It took me a long time to figure out what I needed from my H. And the sex part was only a last ditch effort.
If you have questions of me, feel free to ask, I'll gladly respond with my POV, I'm here if you need me, use me as a resource. I'm Happy to help
Same goes here. Feel free to ask me or state anything you like. I will be glad to give you my POV on the sitch. Just remember it will be from a different angel then yours.
Chrissy: You poor thing...actually stooping to asking a government attorney in Missouri for advice on a North Carolina divorce/separation.
Yes but a smart witty goverment attorney in Missouri at that. That makes all the difference.
However, if you want some basic "uh, yeah, that's a Latin phrase that means 'always wear underwear'" type of advice, I'd be happy to give it to you
Yeah that is what I was referring to. I use to work in the bankruptcy dept so I know how some of those legal terms sound like they should mean this but ahhhh they really mean you just sold your next born to the local butcher if you sign on the dotted line.
Seriously, I doubt I could help much on this. If you're worried about costs, you might want to check to see if there is legal aid in your area, or, better yet, a women's shelter with all of the associated help it can provide.
