With all due respect, I think you husband is full of sh*t. By that I mean he is all bluff. The fact that he put a gun in his mouth says to me his is on a major king-sized pity pot. And then to use an empty gun at that!!! This does say something, and to me that is to call him on every bluff. Put the police on notice that he is violent. Then stand up to him. Let him know you have now gone stark raving berserk. He is putting on a grand show to intimidate and control you and it is working.
Any one who truly intends to harm or kill someone is not going to advertise it. They keep a low profile. Your H is sending up warning flares left and right. I don’t think he has it in him to carry through. Go talk to a lawyer, learn your rights, and let your H know that you went. Then keep a journal of everything that happens. As he starts to screams, just detach, pull out your journal and start writing in front him, everything that is going on. Keep your notes someplace safe. Let him get the impression you are building a rock solid divorce case against him and you won’t be pushed around. Don’t be afraid to speak up to him, to tell him what you think. Then record that and his angry replies. My bet is that he will cool his jets real fast.
This means he is capable of controlling his anger, but prefers not to. So he cannot argue temporary insanity, or that he just loses it, or his FOO fears are so powerful they just take over. The only conclusion is that this is conscious manipulation and control. Like I said, he is full of sh*t.
I am sure he will say you don’t do enough for him, you control the kids, the family, blah, blah, blah. The irony is that you feel the same way! Both of you are acting out because neither feels in control and you are both scared to death (yes, he is petrified!) I recall your original posts about your childhood. Does your H also have a troubled past that causes him to be so insecure?
I know you don’t react violently as he does. You withdraw instead. Just like my wife. To your credit you are trying to talk about the relationship. My wife tried to do this years ago. I thought counseling was just a bunch to voodoo. The problem seemed apparent to me – it was all her problems. The only we needed in counseling was for her to see that.
You are at your two choice dilemma. You want to restore the relationship and peace in the home. I see two ways for you to do this 1) Re-enmesh with your H. He is dependent on you for his sense of security, for his sense of purpose and who knows what else. Your pulling away is a threat to him and he is doing everything he can to make you go back to the way things were. If you do, things will quite down and probably get pretty good. As long as neither of you grow or advance, this is sustainable.
But you have already decided that you want more, so you are now facing option 2) You are trying to differentiate, to stand on your own two feet, to not depend on a toxic person, to set your own destiny. Either he goes along with this or you go alone. This is the big decision you two face.
Let me ask you Chrissy, have you read Schnarch? I am thinking you have not. I advise you to get the book ASAP and read through it COMPLETELY, the read it again. While reading, do your best to keep things as calm and peaceful as you can. Hold you ground, don’t give in, let him squirm, but exert your control. After you understand how your relationship is working and what stage you are at, sit down and have an honest discussion about what you’ve learn, how you want to save the marriage, how you love him and want to make him feel secure. I bet he will hear all this and respond to it.
But you are not ready to say it. You need to better understand your situation or you will promise things that will make you feel worse. You might box yourself into a corner and get really depressed. So learn up first. I DO NOT see your marriage as that desperate. It may seem that way to you, and you two are on step away from the cliff, but the issues you need to overcome do not seem that overwhelming to me. There are other with much worse to deal with (such as V-bube). But you two are your own worse enemy. You both are also your (and your children’s) greatest hope.
