You are right that yes I have voiced fear of my H in the past. And he can be somewhat of a bully. Currently he has curbed this behavior. But past behaviors have left issues in me with my respect and the way I view my H. Putting it nicely I view him as a bully and that is ingrained in every thought I have towards him. These are some of the things involved in my depression that I need to work through. If my H never raises his voice again nor says a nasty word I fear I will forever view him as I do know if I am not allowed to work through these emotions. And since this negative outlook of him has spilled into the bedroom it effects our sex life also. Which is what I am/was trying to make him understand.
Hence the mention of the restraining order earlier this week
Though H currently has his temper in check I think when push comes to shove he will turn nasty again. I have said before he has been at his worse when I have tried to leave in the past. I am sure it will be the same in the future. But oddly I am not taking that into consideration at this time (his maybe behavior). If I do I will again allow my fear to trap me. I am only currently basing my decisions on the fact that my H and I do not connect and I see no way in the near future that we will either if we do not rebuild the relationship from the ground up. And H seems to feel except for a few little twicks to be made. We are fine. But I don't feel fine in this relationship as is nor do I want to be in it as is.
