I guess I’ve not kept up with your sitch and the violence of your H. I knew he got angry. Does this violence run in his past and with his parents? Is he a physically big man or just normal size? Is he a bully type?
I think that when women are bullies the husband needs to take a hard stand. But women cannot necessarily do this, so some other “force” is needed. Have you ever had a situation where you had to or should have called the cops? Maybe this would be just the sort of “force” he needs to set him back in line. Sometimes men who get away with bullying women let it go to their heads and do not realize there is someone bigger out there who can put a stop to their actions. Maybe this is what you need to do.
I think Corri is right in that you need to take a stand. But you seem so depressed you cannot do that. Is there anything else going on that is bothering you? If he would suddenly listen to you and address your concerns (I don’t really know what you list of “wants” is), would you suddenly feel better? Or would you still feel down? Maybe there is more at work here that is depressing you than just the sex life.
I know that over the past 6 months or so, you have been working through your FOO issues. Could some of this still be bothering you? It is one thing to recognize the pain you had to live through and how it affects the way you see things. But it is another to change the way you FEEL about things because of your past. It is possible that your husband could do everything you want on your list, but you still feel bad. The reactions to your FOO that you used to survive for so many years can be so ingrained that it is almost impossible to overcome your natural reaction to something, no matter how aware you are.
Could there be something like this bothering you, something that is keeping you in a depression? Personally, I think you need to 1) see a counselor to resolve any hidden issues that are affecting you emotionally, and 2) take a hard stand against your husband to make him realize the seriousness of your situation and get him into counseling. You have the ability to do this. You might also consider some medication to give you the boost you need to take all this on. Have you spoken to anyone about this too?
